All About The Joy
All About The Joy is a weekly hang-out with friends in the neighborhood! We share insight, advice, funny-isms and we choose to always try and find the positive, the silver lining, the "light" in all of it. AATJ comes from the simple concept that at the end of the day we all want to have more JOY than not. So, this is a cool place to unwind, have a laugh and share some time with friends!
All About The Joy
Finding Joy and Balance: Navigating Mental Health in a Hectic World
What happens when the weight of everyday life feels too heavy to bear? Join us for an insightful and heartfelt conversation with our special guests, Rick Costa and Cynthia Ruiz Lopez, as we unpack the complexities of emotional struggles in our fast-paced world. With a quick-witted story about the word "joy," Rick sets the stage for a deeper dialogue about workplace stress, personal challenges, and the blurred line between sadness and depression. Together, we explore how therapy, family, and self-care can be lifelines and the importance of acknowledging when it's time to seek help.
From the hustle of serving fries at McDonald's to the pressure of political climates, we dissect how these experiences impact mental health and self-care practices. Our discussion highlights the emotional toll of high-pressure jobs and the quiet spaces employees carve out to manage stress. With personal anecdotes and societal observations, we reflect on the changing seasons' influence on routines and mental well-being, particularly for older adults. By sharing our stories, we aim to open a dialogue about mental health, offering insights into finding balance amidst life's chaos.
Finally, we confront deep-seated traumas and the path to healing, reflecting on personal battles with PTSD and unresolved grief. With raw honesty, we share stories of loss and healing, emphasizing that the journey is neither quick nor easy. Our conversation underscores the significance of seeking therapy, building supportive networks, and the transformative power of forgiveness. Through humor and gravity, we remind our listeners of the importance of finding joy and connecting with others, even in difficult times. Tune in for a blend of compassion, wisdom, and laughter that aims to provide comfort and guidance on your mental health journey.
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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth
DISCLAIMER: As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast. Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance.
okay, hi everyone, welcome to all about the joy, the private lounge. We have rick costa in the house how you doing, rick? And we have, as always, cynthia ruiz lopez I don't know why I like to say your name like that. How you guys doing? I know we're gonna have, uh, a kind of I don't want to say deep conversation, but, rick, you came in hot into the green room, so say your piece, brother, go ahead.
Rick Costa:So on my broadcast I do two games. One of them is called Heads Up Game and I hold up my phone away from my eyes so I can't see a word on the screen, and you guys have to give me clues to help me guess what it says on the screen. The word was joy and nobody said all about the joy. Nobody said all about the.
Carmen Lezeth :Seriously Nobody.
Rick Costa:After I said it, I typed it in quick I'm like, oh yeah, it's too late now.
Carmen Lezeth :That's okay. Did you guess the word?
Rick Costa:Oh, that's I did, I did guess it.
Carmen Lezeth :Why did you have?
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :it like right behind you.
Carmen Lezeth :I know it's right there. It's okay. Not everyone from your show watches our show, but someone I know was there. She should have said it. Yeah, Well, I mean that's so cool that you got a little upset about that. I thought it was something really, really juicy.
Rick Costa:No, nothing juicy.
Carmen Lezeth :Boring. No, I'm kidding. That's a great. I love that. You think they would do that, but you know what's so funny? Like people now will say joy or something and like it'll hit me like that's the name of my show.
Carmen Lezeth :You know it's my show. So well, I wanted to talk a little bit about. I mean, I I'll just say straight up Cynthia already knows part of what happened, but I'm going to talk about a couple other things, and you know, this is kind of me having a venting session, but I also just thought it might be helpful for other people. So on Wednesdays I work in the morning with one client and then I work with another client in the afternoon, so it's two separate clients. None of the staff know each other, two different entities entirely. And on Wednesday, in both separate offices, I had one of the staff members I'll say call me. One of them called me.
Carmen Lezeth :One of them came into the office and both of them were so upset about an incident that happened and they were spoken too badly, they have too much work and they were both crying their eyes out. And it's been an ongoing thing for a while. Right, they're just so sad and upset, or whatever thing for a while, right, they're just so sad and upset or whatever. But it happened on the same day. Both of these staff people are really great at what they do, they're good people and it's just really hard for them, I guess, to function right now and they can't take any criticism. They can't take what our boss is telling them and, by the way, our boss or the other people are wrong. They shouldn't be treating them the way they're treating them. You know what I mean. But it's the emotional kind of disintegration of being able to function that I was concerned about.
Carmen Lezeth :And then the other day and Cynthia knows because I called her I had an incident with a mutual friend and it just it got me so upset and I waited a day because I knew Cynthia had just gotten back from traveling. But I was like this I was so angst about it, I was so upset about it and I knew I wanted to talk to Cynthia. And so the following day I called her and I talked to her and it was such a relief. And the reason why I want to talk about this is because I I don't know if either of you I know you do, but I just want to know if you want to talk about it For me. The two individuals at work I know I spoke to both of them.
Carmen Lezeth :I think they're really in a state of depression and I told them I'm not a therapist, and one of them always says to me I just need to vent. And I always like I know you want to vent, but I'm not the person to vent it. Like I'm not your girlfriend and I'm also I can't take it all in. You know what I mean? Like I can't.
Carmen Lezeth :I know you're sad and miserable, but I don't know what else to do, and so I just feel like there's so much going on in the world right now, regardless of your political leanings, whether you are for Trump or not. Even people who are for Trump are also dealing with the outside part of this, which is the constant drama that's happening in our political atmosphere. I think that's very heavy Hearing about plane crashes every day, hearing about people going to Guantanamo, what is it to Gitmo? People being fearful, people being sad, and then you like, and then then you have your own personal stuffage. So I've been really stressed and sad and I just wanted to talk about that a little bit and see how you guys are doing, how you deal with sadness and, more importantly, when does it transfer over to depression?
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :So just your thoughts. I think it's different for everyone. I think at some point everyone does go through some form of depression, but, like I said, it's different for everybody. Some people really know how to kind of deal with it. Some people go to therapy. Some people may just kind of isolate themselves and just kind of deal with it. Like some people go to therapy, Some people may just kind of isolate themselves and just kind of deal with it. Some may go to their family members you know things like that and talk about it.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :It's kind of hard to pinpoint certain things when it's just a very broad, you know, kind of spectrum.
Carmen Lezeth :There is a clinical definition. I have a clinical definition between sadness and depression. But I think you're right, it's different for everyone. Because you said something to me that not only pissed me off but it was factual. You said that is part of your PTSD. Remember, you said that part of your, and I, you know cause, I'm still in denial, cause I, when I think of PTSD, I think of military and I think of, like quote unquote, real, real depression. Right, cause that's what we do, like I can't equate to what someone went through in war. You know what I mean.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :It's what I mean horrible thing well, that's what I mean, though, like I mean, it's different for everyone. Like to us, a PTSD, like you said, is something that people deal with who are in the military, but there are different forms of it well, my understanding is everyone can have uh PTSD, but it's triggered by something different for everyone, right?
Carmen Lezeth :and then there's different levels, which is what you're talking about. Absolutely yeah, let me just give the definition, before we go down this road, of what sadness is versus uh depression, just as a you know whatever like a webmd definition. Uh, sadness is a natural emotion that everyone experiences in response to a specific situation or events. It's typically triggered by a loss, disappointment or other challenging circumstances. The characteristics are feeling down or blue, tearfulness and temporary drop in mood. The duration can be short-lived and it can be tied to a particular situation or event. And then depression. The definition for depression is a mental health disorder characterized by persistent and intense feelings of sadness, hopelessness and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. It goes beyond the normal fluctuations in mood. Characteristics are prolonged sadness or low mood, changes in appetite, sleep patterns, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, feelings of worthlessness or guilt and sometimes thoughts of self-harm or suicide. It can last for weeks, months or even years, and is not necessarily linked to a specific event or situation. So there is some differences in it.
Carmen Lezeth :I think the two people that I worked with are they're not just extremely sad, they're on the road If they like. I said to them both I can't believe I said it in the same day because I always try to say this part, because I'm not a doctor or whatever. I always try to say something in front of somebody else, not to embarrass them but to have like a witness. You know what I mean, like, but I said it. It might be a good idea to think about getting a therapist, like to talk you through not the work part, but how you're dealing with it, like maybe this isn't for you. Yeah, you know, I don't know, rick.
Rick Costa:Yeah, to me, like sadness is kind of temporary. You pretty much get over it. Something happened and you know you're kind of bummed about it. But depression is usually a long, long thing, a lot longer lasting. It affects you, it starts to affect your life. You don't like a lot of the symptoms. You said you don't even care about if you eat or not, whatever, because you just don't care about anything Like been there, done that. So yeah, it's tough. It's tough and if you don't have anybody to talk to it's very hard to get out of it. Very hard to get out of it. Very hard to get out of it.
Carmen Lezeth :Oh, that's a good point, cause I was talking about isolating. I was saying that, uh, I know that I'm dropping friends, like I'm, I'm done. Like, if somebody pisses me off, now I'm done. Like I'm done, just, I get. Well, actually, that's not. I think I've always been like that actually. So I'm trying to think about that right now. Let me think, um, I think I've always been like that actually. Sorry, I'm trying to think about that right now. Let me think I've always been like that, but I guess I've given some people more leeway than not, I'll put it that way and I just, yeah, I can't take on people's bad energy anymore. Even if I think you're a worthy person and that I I feel indebted to you somehow, or whatever, I'm now cutting off those people, like because I don't owe anybody anything. You know what I mean, and I think that's what I was talking about with these two uh people, these two staff people too. Like this is this might not be for you, that's okay, but going down the rabbit hole where you're that uncontrollably crying at work.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :I think there's something else though. That could have just been that one little piece that just made them snap, kind of thing.
Carmen Lezeth :Let me tell you, though one of them is valid. This is an ongoing problem and I get it. I understand why they're upset, but I'm not okay with how they're handling it. You know what I mean.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :That's why they do need to see a therapist, because a therapist will help them and guide them on how to deal with it, if you find the right therapist, though.
Carmen Lezeth :Right that's the other part. It's always better to find a therapist when you don't need one because you're clear-headed. I know that's weird, but it's one of those things like, even if you don't need a therapist, you should know where you could find one and maybe have a free consultation or whatever. Uh, yeah, I don't know, because I I think it's a tough one when you're that desperate to find the right person and now you can literally get them online.
Rick Costa:You don't even have to go anywhere like don't they have? Like you could do a zoom or whatever virtual yeah and I've seen services where it's like if, if you start with somebody you don't like, them switch to somebody else. It's no big deal until you find somebody you like.
Carmen Lezeth :But the problem with that is when you're in crisis mode. That's when it's harder to find the right person. But when you're in crisis mode you should find somebody anyways, right, because you're in crisis mode. So that's good. But eventually you start to realize like, oh, maybe this isn't the right person for me, you know um, but yeah, I've never met my therapist in person, never. We're always we always do a zoom call, huh it's nice to have somebody.
Rick Costa:That's objective too. That's not part of the situation. You know. They can look at it with different eyes and stuff. Because if you know, say, you go to your mom or something, your mom's gonna be like defending you and, yeah, you must be right and they're wrong, you know, and you're not gonna really get anywhere. But with somebody who's, you know, not involved at all, they're like, okay, I can see your side, but I can see their side too, and maybe we could figure out how we can make this better somehow and not just be about sides, you know, but let's figure out I think what was interesting was when I spoke to Cynthia, I thought for sure she was going to be like Carmen you know how they are and she wasn't.
Carmen Lezeth :She was like you know what? It's okay, you do what you got to do. This is where you are. She was very therapy like. But you're right, you want somebody who's objective, or somebody who can see it from a different perspective, or somebody who is fully alert and just thinking about you. I mean, I think that's another thing too. Like in my head when one of them was crying in my face, I'm like bitch, do you think I don't have a life? Like, do you think I'm not going through something? Right?
Carmen Lezeth :yeah, we're all dealing with the same shit. You know, like that's the other part, like we're all dealing with this same person that they're dealing with. You know what I mean, and so, but I'm trying to keep it all inside, but I'm not even focusing, because I'm in that space too.
Rick Costa:Yeah, and we and we're, we're stronger on some days than others, you know, and we're stressed out on other days than we are more. And just be that one day where you got that combination of you don't feel that strong and you're stressed out and then you just burst Like that's it. Like. Then you're like you look at yourself like I can't believe I did that.
Carmen Lezeth :Oh my gosh. But then it's because you just the damn broke the water bust through and it's like you know it's tough, can be tough. How do you deal with it? Because I know there was one day where you had an incident where you were upset or whatever and I wondered like and I'm not trying to ask if you have a therapist, what, I'm not trying to get all up on your business, but how do you deal with it? Because it's really hard for you to get out there and go like like I think I go and take a walk, I listen to music. You know what I mean. I guess you can listen to music. It's like I can go take a bath and put candles and whatever, and try to relax and whatever. And I was thinking about you today, cause I was like poor Rick, what does he do when he has like a mental breakdown with like whatever's going on? How do you handle it?
Rick Costa:I mean, one thing that's cool is I like to escape into fantasy, movies, shows, whatever, and I can, like you know, forget about my life, put it on the shelf for a little while and then focus on that for a while and it's like I don't Scream into a pillow.
Rick Costa:Scream into a pillow, not that much into a pillow, not that much I have. When I worked my first job mcdonald's, they tell you if you really really ticked off, go to the walk-in freezer and throw boxes of french fries around. I've done that. Customers, man, let me tell you like, because when you work for them there's people that think like they're better than you and they just treat you like crap and I'm like can you finish taking care of them because I'll be right back you know, like wait, I have to back up for a moment.
Carmen Lezeth :Why would somebody going into mcdonald's to eat think they're better than the people working at mcdonald's? I, just you, would be surprised you would be be surprised You're going to McDonald's.
Rick Costa:I am about to give you food. I'm confused. You really want me to spit in it? That's never happened.
Carmen Lezeth :Just like Jesus would do. Huh Rick.
Rick Costa:I've never seen that happen. People ask me would I do anything nasty? I was like I've never seen that happen. People ask people to ask me. I was like would I do anything nasty? I was like I've never. No, I worked seven years. I've never seen anybody do anything, nothing nasty, nothing like that retaliation wise or whatever I would never.
Carmen Lezeth :I would never even suspect that, because I believe in the best in people.
Rick Costa:But yeah, if I'm literally serving you, why would you treat me bad like doesn't make sense. To me that doesn't compute.
Carmen Lezeth :I think people just again, it's like if you're not dealing with your own issues, if you're not doing self-care, what I called self-preservation, so that's kind of the difference. I do want to talk about that. But if you're not really taking care of yourself on a regular basis and you don't know yourself well enough, I think you turn around and take things out on other people and I mean, I have, you know, clients and I've gotten rid of clients for doing this, but they would all the time just they talk badly to their staff, like they talk down to them, kind of like the same thing you're saying, and I was like yeah, I'm out, I'm not doing this because you actually think it's okay for you to talk badly about people. I think there's two different things, though.
Carmen Lezeth :I think there's self-care, which is kind of what we're talking about taking moments to maybe watch a movie or take a walk or whatever it is, get a massage or whatever. Do these little things? Listen to music, I can kind of. But it's also about, like self-preservation, knowing when you just can't take any more like I can't take any more energy from other people being upset about something else, like go deal with that somewhere else, cause I can't help you and I don't think people ever want to put that line down. You know like if Cynthia had said, carmen, I can't talk to you tonight, I'd be like, okay, but right, I text you. I asked you whatever and I was just like are you okay? What?
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :are you doing? Are you all?
Carmen Lezeth :right. I was like everything is not okay. Do you have a minute? Well, I mean because, because that's what a good friend does, though, right, you, you got it, you know. But today I was talking to Andrea. Actually she says hi, but you know, just also understanding that it's not just that we're all going through something personally, there's also something in the air right now you know what I mean.
Carmen Lezeth :Like it is just really a tough time, especially here in the United States.
Carmen Lezeth :It's just a tough time because there's so much going on and that, whether you're in like, whether you're in tune with politics or not, it is affecting everyone, it is seeping through, and so doing things like not watching or listening to the news all day you know, I started only getting news like I don't get any news on my phone. I don't get any headlines, I don't get any of that. I just get five minutes in the morning from an independent journalist that I really respect, and then I get five minutes in the evening from another independent journalist, because they post at different times, and so that's it, five minutes of news. I just want the headlines, that's it. And then, like trying to not do it at all on Sunday, like why is there news on Sunday? Why, why? Why you know what I mean Like there should be no news on Sunday. So even doing that, trying to understanding that there's other stuff happening that is affecting you as well, and even if it's not politics, it's family or whatever.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :Yeah, and then there's also seasonal depression that people go through and you know, and that's hard too, because it's like what do you do in the winter time?
Carmen Lezeth :That was a made up thing. Is that a real thing?
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :I'm not saying it is.
Carmen Lezeth :Is it a real thing?
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :It is a real thing, you know, especially in the winter time, you know you're stuck in the house, you really can't go anywhere, Especially you know older people who can't travel on them?
Carmen Lezeth :Yeah, Look at me, I'm like what the sun is shining here. What are you talking? It is a little chilly though in California. Well, it's like 18 degrees in Boston. Is it really 18 degrees?
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :Yeah, oh yeah.
Carmen Lezeth :Yeah, I don't know, okay. So seasonal depression is also seeping in, and a lot of people is that a. Is that a diagnosing thing? Though that's a real thing. Yeah, I'm not trying to dismiss it, I just never knew what it was. What.
Rick Costa:Especially older people. Yeah, Senior citizens especially yeah. Like going back to McDonald's again every morning we had this you were mcdonald's right now. The group of elderly people would come in every morning like clockwork, and I knew all the same things. I knew what they wanted, that they don't say nothing. But when winter came, a lot of them didn't show up.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :And the summer came, we're back because they get depressed yeah, and a lot of them do mall walking to get their exercise. You know, during the summer and the spring and winter time they don't go out, so they do get depressed.
Carmen Lezeth :Okay, but we don't want to blanket all older people Like old people depressed all the time. We're old too, so too. So for yourself on it now. So do you, do you guys have anything to share? Or I mean, I'm not trying to pressure you, but how are you guys feeling now with everything that's going on? I mean, inspire me, make me feel better. Things are going to be better tomorrow.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :I mean, after you read the definition of sadness and depression, I don't think I've really ever had depression. Sadness yes, you know, everybody goes through their ups and downs of emotions throughout the day, um, but I think you just kind of roll with the punches and just kind of you know, kind of be, try to be positive and I think I think that depression is more of a clinical diagnosis.
Carmen Lezeth :Right, I think a lot of people self describe as being depressed, and I think you can do that, but it is kind of more of a lengthier you can't, like Rick was saying, like you really can't, you don't get out of bed, you don't want to eat, you. You know like it's different for everyone, but I do think that's something I don't know if I've ever been. I don't. I still am in denial about PTSD and I there are waves of PTSD. So I was diagnosed and I don't mind sharing this Cause. That's the whole point of having this conversation.
Carmen Lezeth :I was diagnosed when I had it was during COVID. I really couldn't walk my hip. That had always had had an injury and is the reason why I couldn't dance really kind of got bad Not kind of, but it did. It was so bad I couldn't walk at all. It was very painful and I ended up having surgery which before I had surgery, I had to go to therapy, not just physical therapy, but it was highly recommended that I go to like mental health therapy, which I thought was kind of a cool thing that my doctors were having these conversations. But I was also like who are you to tell me? You know what I mean? But I did, and it was a great thing, because what I didn't understand was that I had never dealt with the loss of dancing.
Carmen Lezeth :And what I like to explain to people now is, you know, losing my mom at 11 was one thing. Not knowing my father my you father I still don't know anything about my father was always a thing, so that's like the second thing. But dancing was my thing and I didn't realize and I didn't grieve that loss performing. I didn't grieve that loss. And so it's just an interesting thing that that is what ended up becoming a part of uh going to therapy and then learning that, because of my childhood and how I grew up and what I went through as a kid, that there were certain triggers that were uh diagnosing, that were able to diagnose me to have PTSD, which, as you all know, I'm still resisting today because I don't even like to talk about it. But but it, but it.
Carmen Lezeth :But it's not because of the hip surgery, it was because in the conversation of all of that, you know what I mean, I, I, I don't know if depression and PTSD are connected, because I don't think I was ever depressed, I just never dealt with it. I never dealt with a lot of things that happened to me as a kid because I always liked to see the silver lining, right, all about the joy, always see the positive. But in sometimes doing that you deny the reality of some of the things that did happen Right. And it's not really denial on purpose, it's because you choose to see the positive. But if you don't deal with my losing, you guys here no yeah.
Carmen Lezeth :So if you don't deal with it, then it triggers. And that's what was happening was I was being triggered and I couldn't really like I, you know. So I okay, I haven't shared this with anyone. I mean, cynthia you might know, I know, andrea knows, but like I, I don't go to the doctor's office and just park my car and go into the doctor's office. I have to go like two hours before and it takes me a long time to convince myself to go into the doctor's office.
Carmen Lezeth :Now, I never thought, thought that was now. I'm in my 50s, I never thought that was an odd thing. I really have to, I have to take my time, I have to and you know, and it was easier to cover it with like, oh well, because of COVID, I have to, I want to make sure I'm protected and whatever. And but it wasn't that it's because I have this amazingly fearful thing of hospitals and doctors, but I've never, I never shared that, I never talked about that, and so going down that that rabbit hole is how you end up figuring out that you haven't dealt with a lot of stuff, you know. So, yeah, but I don't. And I say all that knowing that I don't think I was ever depressed because I never knew that I wasn't dealing with that stuff, but because I didn't deal with the stuff, I had the triggers that put me down the rabbit hole of I don't know what the right terminology is, but PTSD. I'm in such denial, I'm like, oh, ptsd.
Carmen Lezeth :But yeah, andrea was here when an incident happened because she stayed with me for two weeks afterwards. So she was here where I was uncontrollably in a fetal position and crying and could not like. It scared her. You know what I mean, that position and crying and could not like it scared her. You know what I mean that she ended up calling my therapist at like two in the morning, whatever, and we almost went to the hospital. And so I've had those incidents happen many times but I never knew. I'm not saying that I thought they were normal, but I thought they were like my normal. Is that weird? I'm sure you guys are here, not weird.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :I also see like. I also see like depression as kind of a chemical imbalance.
Carmen Lezeth :Oh, I think it can be right. That's why people will take medication.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :Yeah, absolutely so. I mean you said you never really felt like you were depressed.
Carmen Lezeth :Same here Like yes, I've been sad, but you have gone through, whatever traumatic issues you've gone through which cause you to have these little triggers. I like calling them little triggers instead. I'm sorry, we don't like the term PTSD. The only reason why is not because to deny it, it's because I feel like I'm being disrespectful to military people. I don't know, it's in my head. I know my therapist if she's listening now, which she might be explain to me that PTSD is not just about being at war, but for me, for some reason, I feel like it's fake for me to say it. You know what I mean. Like it feels, like it's not, you know, but but but here but I'm not trying to be funny PTSD is a real thing and a lot of people suffer from PTSD. That's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's why I'm sharing it. It's why I want to talk about this today, um, because I think we have to help, uh, normalize being human. You know, like we're all human, you know. Go ahead, rick. What were you going to say?
Rick Costa:because we hear PTSD associated so much with military. My brother actually suffers from that. He was in the military, but it's not just for that. People that have been sexually abused or mentally, verbally, abused or all kinds of different things can make you have PTSD. And if you say to somebody that has that and suffers with it, oh, just get over it, you clearly don't get it. You don't just get over a traumatic thing that happened to you, you just can't.
Carmen Lezeth :so yeah, it's very insensitive to say just get over it like no yeah, I don't know, I, I, yeah, I feel like, uh, ptsd for me is something that I've been able to kind of work through, I think I still, I think that's part of why I also feel bad about claiming it. But you're right, you're absolutely right, and I'm not trying to dismiss it or be disrespectful. I actually I'm doing the opposite. I'm trying to be very respectful of the term.
Carmen Lezeth :But I think, like everything else, there's different levels of it, and one of the reasons that I love my therapist is because at one point she was like we don't need to, we don't need to talk, you know, twice a week anymore. We can do once a week. And then it was like let's just do once every other week. And then we were tapering it down, you know, and to the point where it's just like if I need her, I reach out to her and we make an appointment and it's, you know, or if I, or if I have an issue, we'll deal with it in three weeks, whatever. And that's kind of what you want. You want to be able to manage it and have somebody that you can talk to. And there's there's different levels of it. So you're, you're absolutely right.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :I mean it's, it's in the word post-traumatic stress disorder. No, it's any type of trauma that you've had is going to cause you stress.
Rick Costa:I was saying earlier, my whole childhood was probably PTSD because of my very abusive father, very physically and verbally, mentally abusive, and I think it only calmed down when I had my back surgery. Then, you know, I was very, you know, fragile, I guess you could say, cause I wasn't just I couldn't. It took me a long time to even get my driver's license because I was still going through like I can't turn my neck all the way, whatever, and it was like, uh, it was a big deal. He changed a lot once, but before if you just looked at him wrong bam, you just would get it.
Carmen Lezeth :Wait, he physically hit you.
Rick Costa:Oh my gosh, like a bar fight and I had to just take it. My whole childhood was trauma. I literally think oh, for example, you're not listening. I think I literally block things out. I don't remember them. I think from my own mental health I probably block things out literally. Things that happen that I, I don't remember them. I think from my own mental health I probably blocked things out Literally.
Carmen Lezeth :things that happened that I just don't remember. It's a survival mechanism. Yeah.
Rick Costa:Yeah, so it was tough. And then the only other time, like I said, I really went through something crazy was when I got divorced, because I had no clue that it was happening, so, blindsided by it, completely Got a phone call.
Carmen Lezeth :Hey, we're getting divorced Sheriff's coming to your house on Friday. What Do you think you've dealt with your father's, with that situation? I mean you talk about it nonchalantly so it sounds like you've come to some reconciliation with, because that physical abuse is so. Forgive me for saying it this way. Physical abuse is the easy part. It's the emotional abuse that comes with that that is heart-wrenching. And I'm not saying it's okay to hit people. I'm not. I'm saying you talk to any kid that's been abused physically and they will always tell you the hardest part is that that was my mom or that was my dad, you know, and it's the psychological warfare that that happened. So have you, do you think you've dealt with it?
Rick Costa:I mean, For the most part. You know, like you said, just my dad's mom. You expect that's the person that's supposed to be protecting you, not to do it to you but preventing the hurt. But they're actually the one doing it to you. But again, no-transcript. But again, I've said this before he was a very bad alcoholic and that's when it got really bad was when he was really really drunk, which was most of the time. Like most people have coffee in the morning, he'd have beer in the morning. I'm like, oh, here we go.
Carmen Lezeth :So yeah, you kind of forgiven? I mean, I've heard you talk about him and you've talked about like how you've forgiven him because you understand now that it was the alcohol and not him, and that I mean, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but you've, yeah.
Rick Costa:Yeah, because there was a period of time where his health was bad. My father, my father, passed away, just in case somebody's wondering, but he's had in his, in his entire life, five heart attacks and two strokes. Most people, a lot of people, die from one heart attack. Dude had five heart attacks, two strokes. He got better over every single one of them except for the last stroke, but at one point he was really, really bad. Circulation was bad, blah blah blah. He smoked since he was 12 years old and of course we had the alcohol on top of that.
Rick Costa:So his body I don't even know how I mean, mean, he had to be strong as an ox. He really was. But the doctor said you know, you're, you're, I think it was the left leg. If you don't stop, if you don't change, if you don't stop smoking and drinking, your leg is really messed up and we might have to amputate it. Well, that got his attention quick, because his father did have his leg amputated same way, right. So he, cold turkey, stopped, everything like just stopped, and the change was astounding. I was like are you telling me that if you didn't drink, this is the dad I could have? This whole time it was a night and day difference. It was like a whole different person got along with him. Fine, would joke with him.
Carmen Lezeth :Did he know he was a completely different person, not drinking?
Rick Costa:No, I don't think he really realized it.
Carmen Lezeth :No, did he apologize to you?
Rick Costa:He wasn't a big apologizer.
Carmen Lezeth :I'm so sorry you went through that because, no matter his part in it, you still were abused.
Rick Costa:Yeah, and like you were saying, the physical definitely sucks, but the longer lasting effect is the mental abuse, because he always made me feel like I was an idiot, I didn't know how to do anything right. He would say really stupid, gross things.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :If you ever get married.
Rick Costa:You ain't even't gonna know what to do, like that's his way of saying what he said, just how he would talk to me and I was like, wow, really dude. And but then he like if he hit me, whatever, he would justify it. But like, well, when my father hit me, I flew across the room and there was blood everywhere and I'm like you should understand.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :I'm just. I'm just like.
Carmen Lezeth :I wish I was there to give you a hug. I just cause I can tell like you you have dealt with it to the best of your ability, but you're also protecting yourself and you, just you. You were a child and even if it doesn't matter, no one should be hit for being themselves and for doing the best they can, and I'm just so sorry you went through that.
Rick Costa:Yeah, and with my kid I never, never, hit him, never, never. I never had to Like he was such a good kid mostly.
Carmen Lezeth :Well, you were a good kid too, Rick.
Rick Costa:That's the thing that baffled me.
Carmen Lezeth :I'm like, I'm trying my best not to do anything. It wasn't you, you understand, it wasn't you.
Rick Costa:I didn't know. I was like maybe it's me because you're your kid you don't know.
Carmen Lezeth :But and by the way, uh, I'm gonna say something that's not gonna be nice. The alcohol was problematic, but it it also. You know, like I'm pissed that he was drunk and did that. I'm just pissed about it and that's. I don't care that he was an alcoholic, I care that you were hit. You see what I mean, like I you were. You were hurt and abused. Like I don't forgive him. I don't forgive him and I don't know him, but I don't forgive him for what he did to you because you did not deserve that. Yeah, and I'm sure you were a good kid.
Rick Costa:I was not the bad kid. I did everything right as best as I could, tried to do good in school, obeyed them to the best of my ability, tried to make them happy.
Carmen Lezeth :But if you know, it's not about that, because, and even in when, when I was growing up like people were mean to me, people that supposedly loved me and were supposed to take care of me and it wasn't, it was never about me. I was such a good kid, I was always a good kid and I was like I was performing, I was in color guard drum corps, I was like dancing. I was always active, I was in school, I was doing all the things. I was even working. I was even working at 12 years old, at little peach like, and I was beloved by everyone else. But the people that supposedly are supposed to love you and take care of you are the people that are hurting you the most. It's not. It was never about you, never about you, never about you?
Rick Costa:Yeah, for sure. But you know, tell the little kid that.
Carmen Lezeth :I am telling the little kid that right now I'm trying to tell him that I'm just saying like that's, I mean that's part of it, right, like, how do you tell your 12-year-old self that you didn't do anything wrong? I mean that's part of the therapy, right, that's part of. Again, I'm not a therapist, I'm not trying to, but I'm just saying what I've had to work through is talking to the 12 year old kid, the 13 year old kid, the 15 year old kid, the 17 year old kid, like the kid that kept not understanding why the world was so like fucked up. Well, no, abundance, abundance. And then at home was fucked up, like the world was like, okay, I'm ready, you know what I mean. And then at home, and it'd be like what did I do?
Rick Costa:and it was like the surgery I had was like it was. It's a horrible thing to go through because like it was bad, but it was a blessing in disguise, because after that he never hit me again. He never hit me again.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :How old were you when you had the surgery?
Rick Costa:15.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :Jesus Wow.
Carmen Lezeth :Okay, so you had to have surgery in order to not be hit, but did the emotional abuse continue anyways? Oh yeah yeah, yeah, so I still think that's worse. Yeah, yeah, but you turned out brilliant.
Carmen Lezeth :Not because of that, but in spite of it yes you became a loving, kind, beautiful soul and a wonderful energy anyways, and that is an amazing thing. That's a beautiful thing and that's what I always try to hold on to, that it doesn't matter what I went through as a kid. I'm here now and I'm pretty fucking amazing. I'm just saying I know, I mean, I have my little flaws. You know, ultimately, I think I may be Black, I may be American, oh, but I'm here.
Carmen Lezeth :Cynthia, were you abused at all? No, I'm just kidding. You want to join in? That's so sad. Cynthia had the perfect life. Yeah, no, I'm kidding, I know, I know you had your thing. You had your issues, but we don't have to bring them up. Yeah, yeah, how do you guys get through work when you're in a situation that is really too hard to deal with, whether it's a coworker, whether it's a boss? I mean, rick, I know you've had issues with your boss, like you know, and you haven't given us the update on the camera hands. You know watching your hands work and he's never brought it up again. So you just ignore his bullshittery. That's what I'm feeling again. Nope, so you just ignore his bullshittery. That's what I'm feeling. In a way, it's good because they work. You work from home and they're in where? New Jersey. Where are they? Florida, they're in Florida. So in a way, there is some disconnect. So you can sometimes just black out the screen or whatever and be like ah.
Rick Costa:You know what I was thinking though today? This guy that he's got to kind of treat him with kid gloves because he gets. Who do you think you are kind of person sometimes when he doesn't get his way and he starts yelling. But he brings us a lot of money, so we're trying to keep him happy because he gives us money.
Carmen Lezeth :It's a tough one.
Rick Costa:But one time he just went off and I told my boss. I said, listen, this guy just cussed me out left, right, up and down like he thought he was my father and I'm like, no, I my dad's dead, I ain't dealing with that, no more. So shockingly he called him.
Carmen Lezeth :He says you will never talk to my employees that way again yeah, okay okay, wow, okay, so that's good yeah I was shocked, I was like wow how do you, how did you deal with I mean, I know how you dealt with some people at your other jobs and then not to put them on the spot, but just in general, when people are just really like you're at your limit and you're, you know you're getting, you're sad but you're angry and it's gonna bring you down oh, let's see you.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :ignore, rick, ignore. Oh, I don't, I try not to ignore it, I will like. Whatever energy they're giving me, I, I'm going to give it back. Okay, so you already know, if somebody's snapping at me, I'm going to snap right back at them. You know, I've had a few patients do that to me and sometimes I'll just look at them and I'll just give them a smile and I'm just like are we done? Are we done? I said to a patient and I'm just like are we done? Are we done? I said. I said to a patient one day cause she just kept yelling. I said look. I said, um, I'm trying to help you. Are you going to stop yelling? Because if you're not, then I'm not helping you anymore. I had another lady on the phone she's just going on and on and I said you need to stop talking so that I can help you. And my big boss was standing right behind me. She just looked like, okay, like I wasn't rude about it, but you just have to like, make your point.
Carmen Lezeth :You know what? I'm actually really bad because I fight back with my clients too much. Like I mean it's not even the same energy Like I. Just I know that I'm I'm really in a difficult situation because my patience is gone with them. You know what I mean? Like it's really just untenable at this point. But I'm trying to remember that part of my job is to be the kind of center of reasonableness. My job is to actually help everyone Keep the equilibrium. It's really bad when I'm like at this place like this.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :You know that's because you're not happy there. I think if you were happy there It'd be different. You'd have no problem doing that. Because you're not happy.
Carmen Lezeth :Well, it's not there, let's not say there, because it's four different companies. I don't love what I do, but I don't know if I'm not happy. Well, it's not there, let's not say there, because it's four different companies. Right, so it's four different. I don't love what I do, but I don't know if that I'm not happy because, look, I make a decent living, right? I mean, I don't know how many people are happy doing their jobs. You and Rick may be, but you know, I just spoke to Andrea today and if we won the lottery tomorrow, we'd be out so happy that your job would be like you're working a job you love, and even if you won money, you'd still be doing it, right? I'm just I'm just throwing that out there as a thing, like if Andrea could cook and travel, I think that would be her happy space and even though she loves her job, if she won the lottery she wouldn't do it anymore. You know what I mean. So I'm kind of in that same boat what I don't like, but you're right, I'm not happy because I hate what I do. It's not them, it's just like I. I still have the dream.
Carmen Lezeth :It's kind of going back to the. You know the triggers and the PTSD and the going back to that it's. I was supposed to be a performer and a dancer and whatever, and that was taken away from well, you know, taken away from me, and I had to change the trajectory of where I was supposed to go, with no guidance, with no help. You know what I mean. So I went to college, I did what I had to do, but it's kind of like not healing that, not grieving that I lost that or finding another way to do it is probably the problem. That's why we do this show. I mean, that's why I created All About the Joy, right, because it kind of helps with me doing something that I love to do, which is kind of having a little talk show or having friends that you can hang out with and find the joy in things anyway, right. But I mean, you're not wrong, I hate what I do because it's not what I'm supposed to be doing. I can already hear like Gary Vee right now.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :So do you feel like you act a certain way because of that, because you're not doing what you want to do?
Carmen Lezeth :I mean when I'm in the office. Yeah, what do you mean? Act a certain way, like I put on a mask and I'm acting.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :No, like you're frustrated with the staff or your, your boss or whoever, and it's not necessarily because of them. It may be.
Carmen Lezeth :Oh, no, it's them, it's them. Yeah, I understand what you're asking. No, no, no, cause, here's the thing I'm really good. No, I'll be, I'll be so totally straight up. The thing that I there's a lot of things I'm good at and there's a lot of things I suck at, and I'm happy to discuss what I suck at. But in this case, when I have to do something and this is this is evident within my entire life I do it 110%. So if I'm being paid a job to do a job, whatever it is, I'm going to do it 110% and I'm going to be happy. I think, okay, I'm not going to be happy, but I'm going to do the job well you know what I mean and I'm going to do whatever.
Carmen Lezeth :I think what's actually happening is yeah, I don't love doing this, but I've never loved doing this. But I think people are abusive of my kindness. People are abusive because I am somebody that is approachable and because I am in charge, or because I'm the person. Then people like, people confuse, like I'm not your friend, like I don't care, like one of my clients and I love her and she knows who she is and if she listens to this show, she'd go. No, I'm not going to say her name, but she's always. Like we're going to go for a drink. No, we're not, we are never. And she's like, yes, we are.
Carmen Lezeth :I'm like we are not going for a drink. She's like, if we go to this place, so-and-so, because she wants me to travel with her, to go deal with one of the other issues we have in another state. She's like we're going to have to. What are you going to do at night? Like she'll, she's adorable and she's funny. I'm like it's never going to happen. I will be in my hotel room. She's like you're not going to stay at a clear about the boundaries that I have with my clients.
Carmen Lezeth :You know what I mean and even though I love that they think we can have a friendship, I make it very clear we do not have a friendship. So one of my clients just found out the other day because he asked me how did he? Oh, oh, because I had my nails done. I had my nails done. I had my nails done and he was like, let me see your nails or whatever, and I'm like it was so awkward and I have like polka dots on some of them, whatever. It's like I. I went, I was with my niece, whatever. He's like your niece, like a brother, a I'm like, oh, my gosh.
Carmen Lezeth :So I had to explain, cause all this time, all these years, no idea like anything about my background you have a book. Wait, I don't have a copy of your book. I'm like your wife read my book. You know what I mean. Can I get a copy of the book? I was like, and that's what I. You know what I mean, like it was funny, but it also I mean I've, I've known him what six, seven years.
Carmen Lezeth :So that's kind of like I'm really good at putting that boundary, but I think people then abuse that. So in the next breath, he will next week, start screaming and yelling at me or other people on the staff on the staff that I supervise, or whatever and be upset about something and talk down to people and be cruel and mean and there's no need for any of that. You can be upset about whatever's happening, but you can talk to people and be like, okay, you know what this didn't work out, what happened to everyone. There's that way of doing it, or like I can't believe you people, what's wrong, and having a temper tantrum.
Carmen Lezeth :I can't believe, I pay all you people, this money for this, for this, it's like people feel this big.
Rick Costa:Would it be fair to say that what you do for people that have no clue is kind of try to bring order out of chaos?
Carmen Lezeth :Sure, yeah, yeah, I do consulting work and basically I manage teams. So, yeah, I mean, it goes like one of the people I work for, I want to shoot myself as I'm doing something as simple as bookkeeping, like here's how we do the bookkeeping and here's how we file stuff. And here's like just setting up the office, so it's, and there's like no procedures, right, there's no. So setting up procedures in offices so people know, okay, the mail comes in, who's opening the mail? Because, if not, the mail is sitting in a bin, in a mail bin, for weeks. And then people like, why is the gas turned off? You didn't pay the bill, you know what I mean. Like it could be something like that, you know.
Carmen Lezeth :And no, I don't enjoy doing this. I'm good at it because I'm very organized and whatever. And then, and then there's like the other clients they're the same clients I deal with Like they don't want to deal with talking to their lawyers or their CPAs, so I will talk to them and then relay information. Or if we have to transfer, like you know, a million dollars from this account to another account because they're building a house or whatever, I'll handle that with their financial people. So it's a big swath, but it's basically being somebody's liaison between them and their staff or them and their other entities. Do you see why I hate the job?
Rick Costa:It cracks me up because I would say, for the company I work for now, I think in their mind they think like, even though we are a small company, but in their mind they think like, yeah, we run like a big company. I'm like no, no, no, no, no. I've worked for GE, I've worked for big companies And'm like no, no, no, no, no. I've worked for GE, I've worked for big companies, and the way I'll do stuff, no, this is like totally mom and pop, like what are y'all doing? Like really, that can be frustrating, first because for somebody that likes order and likes to be done correctly, the right way and makes sense, and then I have to deal with this.
Carmen Lezeth :It's like yeah, I think my clients yeah, I'm not blaming them for everything. I mean, cynthia, it's not wrong what you're saying. I mean I don't love what I do, but I don't love people who are cruel to other people. It doesn't matter what part like you, show me who you are when things are bad and when things are wrong. And the reason why I love one of my clients is it doesn't matter what the If somebody makes a mistake, you punching down on them and making them feel like shit isn't going to make them not make a mistake ever again.
Carmen Lezeth :It's going to make them. It's verbal abuse. It's verbal abuse and they're going to make the same mistake over and over again. They're probably going to be so nervous and frustrated and it's like people don't. And that's part, part of my job telling the people that hire me that the reason why your people are making mistakes because they all fear you and because you talk like shit to them. Anyway, people don't listen. But when you can, when someone makes a mistake an honest mistake, not a careless mistake. There is a difference. A careless mistake is the mistake you keep making over and over and over again because you haven't learned your lesson, you haven't changed something Right, I'm not OK with careless mistakes. You can make a mistake, but don't make that same mistake over and over and over again, because then I'm like, okay, cool, you know, and when you can do that, you help people grow, you help people feel good about themselves. They're human, you're human Cause, by the way, all of my clients make mistakes all day long and you know what they do. They never take responsibility for it.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :Never, of course, yep, of course.
Carmen Lezeth :And I'm gonna call that shit out every time, every single time, and I do, you know. But I think that's what adds to the sadness and frustration, because I resent Okay, I'll say it that way I resent the work I do. I will do it a hundred percent. I go in with a good attitude and I never bring my shit into work. I don't, but would I rather be doing something else? Yes, yes, in case you didn't hear me. I mean, would you want to be doing something else?
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :Yes.
Carmen Lezeth :I'm sorry. What's Cynthia? Yeah, yes, Do you think it frustrates you that you do the work that you do? And maybe sometimes I mean.
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :I don't think you bring stuff to work, do you? Oh God, no, oh, no, no, no. Like I know, I do my job very well, I came back and I had to do all this work that the other one did not do and I did it this whole week, in three days actually.
Carmen Lezeth :But this is what I'm talking about. We have our own stuff we're dealing with, right, like having to deal with even my client not knowing that I wrote a book or whatever, and him wanting to know and me not feeling comfortable with him. No, yeah, I don't know. You know what I mean. It was just like a weird thing, but then it was adorable, like he was trying. You know what I mean, but after like what? Six years? But there's no reason why he would know because I have that lineup, you know.
Carmen Lezeth :No, I don't think him and his wife are talking about my book like I don't think it's that kind of thing like, oh my god, I read such a great book, but I don't think it's that, I'm just saying like it. You know, like we have our own stuff too. You know, like I came home and I was like I don't know how I felt about that, and what door did I just open? And now I have to bring him a damn book. He could just buy the motherfucking book. Like he could afford to buy 20 of them. Why, why haven't I? And then I go down the rabbit hole. Why am I still doing this job I don't like to do. You know what I mean? Like he's. So, rick, if you were, if you became a millionaire tomorrow, you would still be working for this man. No, he's like millionaire shoot. You know what would be great If we could do this on a more regular basis and get paid for it?
Rick Costa:Yes, that would be cool. We do do this and get paid for it so why not dream?
Carmen Lezeth :Yeah, we do this and we don't get paid for it, so it would be perfect. We're trying, we're working on it, and I think that brings me joy. Before we end, i're going to, we're working on it and I think that would. That brings me joy, you know. But before we end, I just want to ask a few questions. I know I already talked about a little bit, but I want to talk about things people shouldn't do if they're feeling like they're sad or going down the road of depression. We always talk about things you should do, right, but I want to bring up a couple of things. Drinking alcohol If you're sad and depressed.
Carmen Lezeth :I would stay away from the alcohol and the drugging because that is a momentary thing that you think might make you feel good, but inevitably it's not going to help and it could lead to a very dangerous habit. Mm-hmm, lead to a very dangerous habit. My favorite downfall eating sweets, chocolate cake in particular, I would stay away from. But eating, emotional eating, being sad and eating.
Rick Costa:And not only the eating. You're more likely than not to eat junk and crap food and now you're putting that in your body and you feel sluggish. Now you have no energy, which is already an issue, because you don't feel like doing that, because you're fat and depressed. You're just compounding. It's making it way worse.
Carmen Lezeth :Yeah, so staying away from those things too, but passive doom scrolling or passive TV watching.
Rick Costa:The danger of doom scrolling is you don't necessarily know what you're going to see. You might see something that's going to take you off even more, because you don't know. Yeah.
Carmen Lezeth :And you can be on doing that for hours, especially when you're upset and angry. Cynthia, you have anything else you want to say?
Cynthia Ruiz Lopez :Yeah, just anyone who's feeling down. Don't isolate yourself. Force yourself to either get out of bed, go for a walk, like you said, listen to music Like sometimes when I'm upset and I'm coming home from work. I won't put on, like you know, soft music. No, I'll put on some rock or something and, just like, let it out that way, sing the song you know and then afterwards you feel better. Then you can change the music.
Carmen Lezeth :There's something a little more soothing, you know, um I think that's good, but you know what I was listening to this week? I was like, hey, drake, I hear you like him. I couldn't get the whole super bowl halftime out of my head. It's so funny, it keeps making me laugh because that face, la cara that he makes you know when he's walking by. It's so funny, it's so cheesy, it's hilarious, rick. Any last words?
Rick Costa:Another thing I don't know if we really brought it up was exercise can also help a lot because it really releases endorphins in your body that makes you feel in a good mood. I do agree with Cynthia, though Probably the most important thing is that isolation thing. That's the last thing.
Carmen Lezeth :I mean for a minute.
Rick Costa:Okay, but you need to talk to somebody. If you don't want to talk to a therapist, you know, if you're a church person, pastors kind of do that too. Talk to a pastor, somebody, maybe elderly, you know that's not fair and you know somebody, somebody will listen.
Carmen Lezeth :Somebody will listen. You got to talk to somebody, it's true, all right. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate you guys chiming in. I know this is a little bit heavier of a subject that we usually do, but I love that we kind of brought it back to joy. You know what I mean Finding ways through things, and that's a good point. Don't isolate yourself, and you can always come and hang out on Friday nights on the show. We are here Friday nights, 6 pm Pacific, 9 pm Eastern. All about the joy. We're always going to have a game, we're always going to try to laugh and chuckle and at the very least, you can maybe find some happiness and laughter in our buffoonery. I don't know, that's my new tagline in our buffoonery, but so check us out on Friday nights and, yeah, thank you everyone for joining us and remember, at the end of the day, it really is all about the joy. Bye everyone, thanks for stopping by. All about the joy. Be better and stay beautiful folks. Have a sweet day.