All About The Joy
All About The Joy is a weekly hang-out with friends in the neighborhood! We share insight, advice, funny-isms and we choose to always try and find the positive, the silver lining, the "light" in all of it. AATJ comes from the simple concept that at the end of the day we all want to have more JOY than not. So, this is a cool place to unwind, have a laugh and share some time with friends!
All About The Joy
Every Relationship Is a Choice - Are You Making the Right Ones?
What makes a relationship worth fighting for? When is it time to walk away? These questions haunt us all, yet we rarely have honest conversations about the true nature of human connection.
Carmen Lezeth pulls back the curtain on relationship dynamics, challenging conventional wisdom about what makes connections valuable. Drawing from personal experiences—including growing up without parents and navigating complex workplace dynamics—she offers a refreshingly practical perspective on how to evaluate the relationships in your life.
At the core of Carmen's philosophy is her "three strikes" approach, a boundary-setting mechanism that might initially seem harsh but ultimately protects your mental wellbeing. She explains why this rule exists and the rare exceptions that prove it. More importantly, she explores why setting clear standards for how others treat you isn't cruel but necessary for cultivating relationships that actually serve your growth.
The episode takes a profound turn when Carmen distinguishes between happiness and joy—happiness being external and dependent on circumstances, while joy remains accessible no matter what life throws your way. This distinction becomes a powerful lens through which to view relationships: those that foster your inner joy are worth preserving, while those that only occasionally make you happy might need reassessment.
Whether you're struggling with difficult family members, navigating workplace relationships, or questioning longtime friendships, this episode provides both practical guidance and profound wisdom. Carmen reminds us that every relationship in our lives represents a choice—and making those choices consciously is the path to a more fulfilling life.
Tune in to challenge your assumptions about relationships and discover why, even when going through hell, finding your way to joy makes all the difference.
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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth
DISCLAIMER: As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast. Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance.
Hi everyone, welcome to All About the Joy, the Private Lounge. I'm Carmen Lisette, your host, and I wanted to have this conversation about relationships and one of the biggest things that kind of bothers me on a regular basis is how we don't really appreciate the complexities that come with all different types of relationships. So, whether it's your friends, whether it's co-workers, whether it's your family always the family, whether it's a spouse or a loved one or a mentor relationships in general are always difficult. They're always going to have their ebbs and their flows. They're always going to have their high points and their low points, and I think that's part of the misstep that so many people make when it comes to establishing relationships, and I'm not sure why.
Carmen Lezeth:I feel like maybe when it comes to family it makes sense. There's this idea that blood was unbreakable and if you have the same DNA, somehow that kind of ties you and bonds you in a way that is so profound that it's hard to ever break that and I understand that, even if it's not what I adhere to at all. I actually don't believe that blood is thicker than water. I always use the example. God forbid. But let's say you found out that one of your siblings had been switched at birth and after 20 years they found out through DNA or something, that your sister or your brother wasn't really your sister or brother. Do you automatically not love them, right? It just doesn't work that way. That's not how love works, and so for me personally, in my experience, I don't have much connection when it comes to this idea of blood. But history matters, who we are in the long haul of it all right, what our past is, what our present is and maybe what our ideas are in the future, that kind of has more to do with how our relationship functions and whether or not it's important to me as an individual, so it's not really about blood when it comes to work, I think this is where this subject kind of comes up for me, more so than not is I am not people's friends when it comes to work, and I've learned the hard way that when my heart is connected to the people I work with, it's just that much harder to walk away when it's in my own best interest to do so, and also when you're working with other people, sometimes you have to tell people a truth that they don't want to hear, and it's so much easier when you're not, you know, family or whatever. I think that if you're having these ideas of having family at work, that's probably a whole other conversation we can have.
Carmen Lezeth:But I'm not saying that you shouldn't have great close relationships. What I am saying is that the idea that relationships are only good if there's never a problem is the wrong way to look at relationships. Relationships the real good ones show who they are when things are bad, not when things are good. It's really easy to be somebody's best buddy and best friend when everything's hunky-dory and everything's great right. We can all be the most amazing people on the planet if everything is going the way it's supposed to go and nothing happens to test that relationship. But the true test of any relationship whatsoever is really about when things get tough and when things really go sour. Who are you in the relationship?
Carmen Lezeth:So for me, I've had the luxury and I call it the luxury, because that is what it is of having great friends that even if I don't talk to them on a regular basis or I don't like, I always give the example of my friend Mia, who I love with all my heart, who I know listens to the podcast. She's going to be like stop talking about me. But Mia and I there was one point where we were talking almost every single day for an hour to a day, and now we can go a month or two without talking to each other, maybe just texting or something, and when I call her it's just like it was yesterday. And I'm sure a lot of people have those same types of relationships. Right, those are the solid friendships that you know that there is no time, no space that's going to change how you feel about each other, because you've been through so much together. Time can go by and you can still pick up that phone and it's like you were just talking yesterday. Those friendships are solid, good friendships, and I know that those are rare and I value them so much.
Carmen Lezeth:Getting back to relationships with your family or with your loved ones, I think we all have in our head, whatever movie that we love, whatever movies that we've seen, especially the ones that are romantic that kind of give us this false idea that relationships are supposed to always be easy. They're supposed to always be like, oh my God, we're all happy and everything's fine and everything's wonderful, and then, when something bad happens, we're all like that person's no longer my friend. I can no longer handle that blah, blah, blah and it's over. I think part of the problem is because we have an idea of what we think relationships are about and we don't have a definition for what an actual relationship is to us in all those different categories. I always talk about work relationships in a way that I do keep my distance, and I do that because nine times out of 10, I have to be telling people what to do, even the people who don't want me to tell them what to do or they're not in my eyeline. If I see they're doing something wrong and it's in the best interest of my client, I'm going to tell them. They're doing something wrong, and it's so much easier for me to be able to take that stand than if I care about your husband or care about your dog or care about whatever it is you think I'm supposed to care about you as a friend. I know it sounds cold, but the other part of it too is that when you distance yourself from people, you give yourself breathing room for the people that matter in your life. So I think that's the other part of it too.
Carmen Lezeth:People are under this facade that somehow I have millions of friends. I do not. I don't Not at all. I have a lot of acquaintances, I have people that I think are good people, but I am not actually friends with everyone I meet, and I think that's another thing that we have to get out of our heads. You don't have to have a whole bunch of friends to be an awesome, cool person. If you have one or two friends, you have hit the lottery. A lot of people don't have one or two people they can count on no matter what, and I don't take that lightly. I get that 100%.
Carmen Lezeth:So I think the whole idea of understanding relationships is redefining what it means in your life to have a relationship with your family, what it means in your life to have a relationship with your family. Redefining what it means to have a relationship with your coworkers, what it means to have a relationship with your mentors, with whoever it is, your neighbors. What are your standards for having friendships? So I'll give an example. We've talked about it before in one of the other episodes that we've had when we've had the group together.
Carmen Lezeth:I have pretty high standards for people who are friends in my life and I have been criticized for it. I have been told it is not fair or not good or it's too cutoffish, but it's a survival mechanism. It's not like I planned it to go this way, it's just the way that it is. So I have a loose but very important rule of thumb, which is after three strikes you're out. After three times I have had an issue with you and you've had an issue with me I'm going to walk away, and even as I say it, it sounds horrible.
Carmen Lezeth:But the reason why it developed that way is when I was growing up I didn't understand who all the people were that were coming my way. Didn't understand who all the people were that were coming my way. I couldn't actually tell if somebody was a good person or a bad person, but I could always tell by their behavior and how they treated me, especially if I questioned something of them. So I accidentally came up with a rule, and it's because of baseball After three strikes you're out. And I stuck to that rule because in my life at that time there were a lot of good people and there were a lot of bad people, and I was just a kid. So trying to understand who the good people were and who the bad people were was a much more difficult thing for me to figure out, and so I came up with the rule, and the irony is that it's usually pretty right If people are treating you badly on a consistent basis and you continue to allow it. You've now taught people how to treat you, people how to treat you, and that comes from a line from Miss Maya Angelou, the great poet we teach people how to treat us. I learned that at a young age, and I wish more people would learn that today.
Carmen Lezeth:I can't fix anybody else. I can't make anybody else do anything. I can't force you to see what I can clearly see right. There's nothing I can do to change who you are in the world, but what I can do is change how I accept it. I can change the way in which I decide to be in something that isn't working for me. I do a very good job of taking care of me. Even if it pisses you off, even if it gets you angry and upset, I'm going to protect my space, and so some people have argued with me. That's not really fair. You're not giving people a chance. I'm giving you three chances. Three chances, and I'm not saying that the way in which I do things is the right way or the only way. I'm saying this is the way that has worked for me since forever and it is how I do things and I'm not going to apologize for it or change it because it works for me or change it because it works for me. The reason why I'm sharing it is because I think people don't do enough self-analysis of who they are and why they believe the things that they do or why they react a certain way.
Carmen Lezeth:For instance, I had a friend who at one point got really upset with me because I made a mistake and the way in which they chose to handle it was, I mean, they went off on me, they went completely off on me. They were angry and upset and I could tell it was totally about something else and nothing to do with what I had done, like what I had done just spurred on their anger. But I let it go. I was like you know what? Everyone has a bad day. You know I did make the mistake, it was my fault and I apologized 15 times, but they were angry about it, whatever. So it was no big deal.
Carmen Lezeth:It happened again. It happened again and they got upset about something that actually wasn't even a big deal. They overreacted and then they embarrassed me in front of a whole bunch of other colleagues and went off on me. And the irony is, everyone thinks that the way I'm going to react is like by screaming and yelling and like you know, actually, when you piss me off, when you get me so upset, I am probably the quietest person you've ever known. Right, I am going to be the person who just steps back and just waits until you're done and waits until the appropriate time to then have a conversation with you, if I'm even interested at that point. So I remember that like it was yesterday.
Carmen Lezeth:And then, after that, they made another mistake and they tried to blame me for something that they did. And then, when I called them out on it, they turned around and tried to apologize in this and just asked if I would take responsibility for it. And I said you know what I'm done? We are no longer friends, and the reason why we're not friends is because you don't understand the definition of friendship, because you think it's okay to turn around and treat me badly just so that you can feel better about yourself. That's not friendship. That's not friendship. And so, um, I always remember that because our other friends came to me and were like why are you being so mean to so-and-so, why are you not giving them a chance? You know they're going through so much. Let's just stop right there.
Carmen Lezeth:Here's the other thing I want to say. I don't care what is going on in your life, I don't care how hard your life is in this moment. It does not give you permission, it does not give you the right. You do not get a pass on treating other people like crap because you're having a bad day. No, maybe one time I'll let it slip, but after that I'm done.
Carmen Lezeth:I cannot tell you how many times at work I have to deal with people who continuously are like oh my God, I'm having such a tough day, I just I can't deal with this. And then they proceed to treat people like absolute garbage because they're having a bad day. In the same breath, they get upset when somebody else does the same thing to them, and somebody else being their supervisor or our boss or whatever it is. They get upset because the boss takes out his anger or his worry or whatever's happening in his life. He takes it on the staff. These same people will do the same thing to everyone else, but not take responsibility for the fact that they've actually just done that.
Carmen Lezeth:I don't care how bad your day is when you go into work or when you're working and you're in the chat, or whatever you're doing. You need to be able to refocus. You need to be able to focus right here and now on the task at hand. If you can't do that, then don't be surprised when people are pissed off at you, because people can only take so much. I can only take so much, and this happened to me last week.
Carmen Lezeth:I really have just had it with this one person who continuously, every time they get a little bit more work or they get a little bit frazzled, time they get a little bit more work, or they get a little bit frazzled, or they get a little bit of pushback from our boss or whatever they just shut down and then they start taking it out on everyone else and we're all supposed to take it. This is the thing about relationships, right? You have to be able to understand who you are in the world, why you do the things that you do and how things affect you, so that you can turn around and deal with things in a better way. So, even though that happened at that one client's office last week. What was really great was that I had to go to my next client and I went and got lunch and I made a couple of phone calls and I went into my next client and I forgot about it. Now it doesn't mean that it always happens that way. It doesn't mean that I'm better at it than most people when it comes to brushing things off, but you have to be able to do that.
Carmen Lezeth:I've had people online get mad at me, scream at me, whatever, and I sleep well at night. I'm not stressed out because somebody I've never met online is writing bad comments or being mean to me or whatever. If anything, I just feel sorry for people who can't seem to get it together right, people who can't seem to figure out for themselves. You're not hurting me if I'm living rent-free in your head. I'm going along and hanging out with my friends and my family and doing the things that I do. I'm still going to go to the movies, I'm still going to go spend money and I'm still going to pay my bills and I'm still going to watch TV and I'm not freaking out because you're behind a keyboard being mean to me or whatever. I hate when I can tell someone's hurting. I hate when I can tell that people do not know how to function because they haven't figured out what their relationship is with whomever they're dealing with.
Carmen Lezeth:Like people who can't seem to figure out, like if you can't figure out why you and your boyfriend are fighting all the time, and then you're sitting with your girlfriends and all you're doing is talking about your boyfriend, and then your girlfriends are like you should just dump him, you should just let him go. And then you're like, oh my God, I would never. I feel sorry for you because you're not seeing what everyone else is seeing and, on top of it, all you're doing is complaining about it. But you're not doing anything to do. Self-reflection no one at the table can fix your boyfriend. No one at the table can fix what's wrong with him. You can only fix what's wrong with you and how you're interpreting whatever it is your boyfriend is doing. See what I'm saying? The test of relationships, the way in which you can mend those relationships, really is the tell.
Carmen Lezeth:So I have my three strikes rule. Have any of my friends I've had for 20, 30 years, broken and pissed me off at least three times, absolutely One of those being Alden, who I know also listens to this podcast, but I love him. Here's the thing. Here's the other part of the rule. There are people in my life who I even though there might be the three-time rule thing they've built up so much credit that even when that happens, we can do what we need to do to figure it out. So there's like you're keeping a tab right. So, for all the good you do in the world, when it comes to the Carmen world anyway, I'm keeping that in. But those are few people, right? You're talking about people I've known for such a long time and who have done more for me than most people.
Carmen Lezeth:And I kid around about Alden. I love him. He's my brother from another mother and I think he's a pain in the ass, but he's also one of the sweetest people on the planet and I know he would do anything for me. And so, even though we've had clashes, we've learned how to let each other have those clashes. And then I tend to not want to talk to anybody when I'm upset with you, and then we find a way to talk again because that's how it works right. That's how relationships work. That is the test of our relationship. It's not just do we talk every single day or every single week or whatever, but when we have a fight, how do we figure out a way to come together and have that bond still, no matter what. And I love that. I love that about him and our relationship, and I love that about us. And so I want people to get better at relationships.
Carmen Lezeth:And the first thing you need to be aware of is that relationships are all hard period. It doesn't matter what the relationship is, they are all hard period. So why am I talking so much about relationships? I think because it's important to understand the difference between a real relationship and one that isn't serving you, and it really is the difference between happiness and joy. And I know that's not going to make sense as I'm saying it, but it will, if you just hear me out. First, let me give you the definitions. Right, it's not really definitions, but let me give you examples.
Carmen Lezeth:Happiness to me is external. Happiness happens to us, it happens to you. So, for example, people have heard me say this, but it is really true I eat a piece of cake, I'm happy, I get a bonus at work, I'm happy you go outside and the sun is shining and I feel happiness. To me, happiness is external and it's also fleeting. So, in order to enjoy happiness, you have to know sadness. You cannot be happy without knowing sadness at some point. And I'm not saying you need to be sad, I'm saying happiness is the opposite of sadness and it's external. Okay, joy, on the other hand, is internal. Joy is something that you can access all the time, anytime you want and under any circumstance, and I know this is a hard one to get, but joy is something that is innate. Joy is something that you feel. Joy is like the silver lining right of a bad situation. Joy is hope. Joy is being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Joy is the reason why I am here today. Joy is something that I couldn't verbalize when I was a kid, but joy is what kept me on point.
Carmen Lezeth:Let me explain For those of you who don't know. I lost my mom when I was 11 and a half and I've never known my dad, probably because my mom didn't tell anybody about who he may or may not be. There have been some gossipy things or something, but nothing's ever come to fruition. Yes, I've done DNA testing. Blah, blah, blah.
Carmen Lezeth:This isn't a story about that, but what I'm trying to say is I was alone as a kid and if you've read my book Canela, you would know that the book is all about the people that came into my life and helped walk me through a difficult situation. So the story is about people like my seventh grade teacher or my camp counselor or just different people I met along the way, people who, when I performed like Laura Wall, who is somebody who comes on our show and visits in the chat her parents, mr and Mrs Wall. They were the parents who always helped us in Color Garden Drum Corps and they made sure I had my costumes and my dance shoes and marching boots or whatever. They made sure I had everything I needed. They made sure I had the right makeup and gloves or equipment. They were always there for me and they made sure I had a hot meal and they were such good people and I was blessed to have so many of these types of families that kind of just made sure I didn't fall through the cracks as a kid, because I was most of my life observing people, because even though they all invited me into their homes, I was always still an outsider and I think a lot of them would tell you I was a pretty quiet kid.
Carmen Lezeth:I was a pretty reserved kid Not to say I wasn't funny and whatever but I was always well-mannered and kind and helpful, and the reason why is because I didn't want to be rejected. I didn't want them to throw me back out into the streets. I was behaving well out of fear, not because of anything else, but they were lovely people. But what was great was I was able to observe so much from a distance. Because of the circumstance, right, I would be sleeping on someone's couch or I'd be sleeping in wherever, and I would be able to hear the conversations between the grownups, and I learned so much. I would hear the fights and the makeups, the thought process that went behind the relationships that parents had with their children and vice versa. I would hear people talk about me, and I think that is exactly where I started understanding even more so what joy was versus happiness and the families that I grew up around that had pure joy in their every single day life, which is most of these people that I wrote about in my book. These people were not wealthy people. These people were not perfect people. These were hardworking blue-collar people who also were able to always see the best parts of a bad situation and make do anyways, and I always found that fascinating and I found that to be the most important thing that I could have learned as a child, especially now because I work for so many wealthy people. So it's so interesting to see how the people who had the least amount and worked the hardest and had the hardest lives were the people that had so much more joy and quote unquote happiness, because they savored every single thing that happened to them.
Carmen Lezeth:I remember back in the day when I was growing up, we would get a turkey or something from work for Thanksgiving. It would be like a gift. I don't think they do that anymore, but it was like you would get a turkey or something and I remember they would bring it home and they would just talk about oh, we got a big bird this year and they gave out the biggest birds and the conversation about getting a bird from work was like a huge conversation. It was just so funny when I think about the people I work for, who have so much money, who seem to be just as sad, just as miserable as any hardworking person and, I would say, lack the ability to find joy in things because they have so much. It's an interesting dynamic and I feel so blessed and so profoundly lucky to have learned to this at such a young age. I'm not saying having a lot of money doesn't come with its great things, right? Trust me, I want to have a lot of money doesn't come with its great things, right, trust me, I want to have a lot of money too. But it's just an interesting dynamic.
Carmen Lezeth:That where I learned about what real joy is was here in this place, where people were working hard, making do with what they had, going to the food pantries and getting free turkeys at work and doing the best they can and helping a kid out who had no parents and one family. I remember one Christmas, in order to give me Christmas presents, they took their kids' Christmas presents and they opened them back up and they gave them, like because they would get, I remember, the socks for some reason. So the socks would come in like a thing of three, and so what they did was they opened up the presents from the other kids and they just wrapped up two, two and two so that I would also be able to open up socks, you know, and they did that. With so many things. I really was one of the luckiest people I've ever known. I swear to God, but that was joy. That was joy.
Carmen Lezeth:Them trying to figure out a way to make sure I had a Christmas and then, when I woke up and opened first of all it wasn't even about opening presents the fact that they had any presents for me, because I always assumed I would not have any, and I remember they gave me, you know, and they were like Carmen, here are your presents that Santa left you, and I was so happy, you know, I mean I could cry about it right now, but I mean I was so happy about it. It still makes me. You know, that's joy. Right, that is beautifulness. I can still remember that them doing something to make sure I had gifts as a kid was joy and it gave me happiness. But even today, I can still access that whenever I need to, whenever I'm feeling sad, and that's joy. That's what I learned from them. Whenever I'm feeling sad, and that's joy. That's what I learned from them. I learned about joy. And the thing about joy is even when something bad happens, when someone passes away or and I'm not saying you're going to walk around all the time feeling good or whatever.
Carmen Lezeth:But there's another quote that I love, that I live by. It's by Winston Churchill, and he said when you're going through hell, keep going. And I'm telling you right now joy is what gets you through to the other side. You don't want to sit in hell, right, if you're in pain and in darkness and in sadness, you don't want to sit in hell. What you want to do is find your way through to the other side. You want to get through and find the light. And that's all about finding joy, trying to find a moment of possibility. That is like the minutia, the soup of what joy is, because once you get to that light, you're on a different road, right, you're in a different part of the road and you're still on your pathway, but you're getting through, and I think that's what fascinates me, right?
Carmen Lezeth:So happiness is external. It's what happens to you, and we all love. When stuff happens to us, that's fantastic and great. But joy is something you can control. Joy is something you can learn to access on a more regular basis. It doesn't mean lying about how you feel, but it means knowing in your heart that everything's going to be okay and that you're going to figure it out from here. You're going to make it. You're going to be sad for a moment, or however long you need to be, but you know that at the end of the day you're going to find joy again because you're going to find your way through that situation. And that's why I'm here today, that's why I'm still okay, that's why I do have these rules and these things that I live by, because it's what got me through right.
Carmen Lezeth:Yeah, I wanted to talk a lot today about relationships and I wanted to tie it into why it matters to know who you are and to have standards and to not just be winging it. I think a lot of people suffer because they don't understand why people hurt them so much, and the reason why people hurt other people is because they're hurt right. People will lash out at you because they're in pain, even if it's at work or whatever. If you're suffering and you haven't dealt with why you're suffering, you are going to accidentally hurt other people, whether you mean to or not. So being reflective of who you are and understanding and doing a self-analysis is a really good and healthy thing, and I'm telling you I do it on a regular basis. I write in a journal almost every morning and a lot of what I'm doing is not second-guessing myself, but reassessing what happened yesterday. Why did it happen that way? Could I do better?
Carmen Lezeth:Doing self-analysis is a really good thing, and I think people don't do that enough, and our relationships that we have in our lives are because we choose to have them. So you have a choice to have people in your life, a choice, and I don't care if it's your mom or your dad or your sister or your brother. That is still a choice. And I'm not saying you have to get rid of anyone in your family and not talk to them, but just understand it is a choice how you choose to keep people in your life too. And if you understand who you are and you understand the difference between happiness and joy and you make actual decisions based on what's in your best interest, so that you can be the best person you can possibly be, I'm telling you right now, life is going to get so much better, and that's really all I wanted to share today.
Carmen Lezeth:So please join us on Friday nights at 6 pm Pacific, 9 pm Eastern and I think it's 3 am London, and we're saying that on purpose now, because we've had quite a few people join us from London lately, which has been fantastic, and we hope you'll keep joining us. And then we also always have the private lounges that are pre-recorded and those air on Sundays at 3pm Eastern, 12pm Pacific and is on YouTube live and also on podcasts, wherever you listen to your podcast. So I just want to say thank you to everyone who's been supporting the show since the beginning, people who continue to show support and love. Please check us out at allaboutthejoycom and remember, at the end of the day, it really is all about the joy. See you soon. Bye, thanks for stopping by. All about the joy. Be better and stay beautiful. Folks, have a sweet day.
