Know Thyself: The Three Truths That Change Everything

“Love yourself” is everywhere — but most people don’t actually know what it means. In this Carmen Talk, I break down why the real work isn’t about loving yourself first… it’s about knowing yourself. Because when you truly know who you are, the love part takes care of itself.

In this episode, I walk through three practical ways to start knowing yourself — not in a self‑help, fluffy way, but in a grounded, real‑life way that actually changes how you move through the world:

1. Know your strengths and weaknesses
How understanding both sides of yourself reshapes your confidence, your choices, and your relationships.

2. Know how people perceive you vs. what’s actually true
Why perception is only the “tip of the iceberg,” and how the real story — the work, the foundation, the history — lives underneath.

3. Know your patterns, not your stories
Your story explains you. Your patterns define you. Once you see the difference, everything shifts.

This episode is for anyone who’s tired of the vague “love yourself” advice and wants something real, actionable, and honest.

Know yourself deeply, and self‑love becomes a byproduct — not a chore.

Thank you for stopping by. Please visit our website: All About The Joy and add, like and share.

You can now watch the livestream version of the show on YouTube at @CarmenLezeth

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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth


DISCLAIMER: As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast. Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Hi everyone. Welcome to all about the joy. I am Carmen Lisa, your host, and this is Carmen talk. Do you remember the first time someone told you that you had to love yourself? Do you remember that? I think for me, the first time it happened was, when I was in grammar school. I think I was like in the sixth grade.

[00:00:29] And one of the teachers, one of the nuns told me that I had to love myself. And honestly, I never understood what that meant. and when I got older and I was rehearsing and dancing, whatever, a lot of the women, girls, we were girls back then. Um. I had a lot of eating disorders and even in color guard and drum corps, kind of the same thing.

[00:00:54] A lot of the women had eating disorders. And so I guess I would hear it more often that you have to love [00:01:00] yourself and it made more sense, right? With the physicality of things. Um, you know, you have to love what you look like. You have to love, who you are. And that kind of verbiage seemed to. Come out of also an industry that was making it hard for women to look at themselves and love what they looked like, right?

[00:01:19] We probably still have issues with that today, I don't know. But for me, when it was told to me it was about a self-esteem thing, right? Love yourself, um, is wrong. That's what I'm here to tell you. It's not love yourself or love thyself. It's know thyself. It's know who you are in the world. The interesting thing is, is that this is not a biblical thing.

[00:01:44] Love thyself is not in the Bible. Uh, it does come from Matthew 22 verse, I wanna say 39, 36. 39, where. It says, love your neighbor as thyself. And so [00:02:00] it assumes that. You love yourself enough that you would treat your neighbor in that same loving way, right? It makes that assumption, but it's not a biblical phrase to say.

[00:02:12] Love thyself. And it really became a much bigger thing in books, in the modern era. And you know, people were saying it on TV shows and life coaches and stuff like that, so it became something embedded. But I don't think people really. Fully understand what it means to love yourself. It actually is know thyself.

[00:02:35] If you know yourself, the love part takes care of itself. So let me give you at least three ways in which you can start to know thyself.

[00:02:51] Okay, let's start with the first one, which is knowing your strengths and your weaknesses. This seems like a really [00:03:00] easy one, but I have to tell you when you actually start doing the work and figuring out what all your strengths are, and you go in and you look at what all your weaknesses are. It can really change your whole perception of how you function in the world.

[00:03:15] Um, I'll give you an example. One of my strengths is that I don't talk about what I don't know. So if I am going to speak on a subject and let's just say it's politics at the moment, it's gonna be really hard for somebody to argue with me a point that I might be talking about, because I would've already done all the research before I spoke about it.

[00:03:37] Right. It's one of the lines that people who are in my world hate that I say, because I really do not talk about what I don't know. For example, I'm not going to have a conversation with Neil deGrasse Tyson, for example, or about Neil deGrasse Tyson, who's the astrophysicist. I'm not going to have a conversation and.

[00:03:59] Start [00:04:00] talking about his world because I don't know anything about it. I'm intrigued by his world. I love learning about everything he does. Right? He deals with the stars and the earth I mean, he talks about a lot of stuff, but he's an astrophysicist, so he's brilliant. I am never going to question what he says about black holes, for example.

[00:04:20] You know what I mean? I don't care what I think I know from watching sci-fi. Um, or even, you know, one of my heroes is Einstein. I love Einstein. I still would never question anything about what Neil deGrasse Tyson might say, because I know he knows what he's talking about when it comes to that field.

[00:04:40] There is a difference by being intrigued by subjects and wanting to learn about them and maybe asking questions, but I don't talk about what I don't know. There's a very distinct thing about that. So one of that's one of my strengths, and it's one of the reasons why people will hire me, right?

[00:04:58] Because they know that [00:05:00] when I work on something or do something, there's going to be backup, there's gonna be references, there's going to be. Information and they can trust that what I'm bringing to the table is on point. So that is definitely one of my strengths. Even if some people hate it in my family, you know who I'm talking about.

[00:05:20] Okay, but let's talk about one of my weaknesses. This one is, um. Something that I'm working on. But once I know who you are, like if I understand now that you're somebody who punches down or you're a coward, or you're somebody who is always very manipulative, or you're somebody who can't apologize and admit you did something wrong or that you made a mistake once I know who you are and that's been labeled, it's hard for me to.

[00:05:51] See anything different, and that is definitely a weakness because people do the best they can. Right? And I know this and people make mistakes all the [00:06:00] time and. It's hard though for me if people don't admit they made a mistake, if people don't come to the table and admit they were wrong, it's just hard for me to even let it go.

[00:06:11] And so once I know that you like or, or people who hurt other people on purpose and get joy from it, like people who punch down like I. I can't unsee that. I can't unsee it. And so one of my weaknesses is, is once I know who you are, I dismiss you and I walk away. And here's the thing about weaknesses, is that when you know what they are, you can then do the work to understand why you are the way you are.

[00:06:40] Now, I know for me, this isn't an excuse, this is actually true. The reason why I am that way is because it's the way. I survived my childhood, right? I would meet people, I would get an instinct about them. I would trust them, and then they [00:07:00] would hurt me. And then, and so then I started learning like, no, no, no, no, no.

[00:07:04] Watch people, observe people, understand who they are, and then make your decision as to how far you let people in right now. That served me when I was younger. But now I can see how I can lose out in meeting some more fantastic people or, you know what I mean? So when you know what your weaknesses are, when you really know them and you understand why you have that weakness, then you can work on it.

[00:07:33] And so how am I working on that weakness? I'm acknowledging that I do that. And I'm trying to understand why I really can't see that person in a better light. A part of me understands it's because they don't apologize or they don't change the behavior, or they don't do better the next time the opportunity arises, right?

[00:07:55] Like, so for me, I need that person to do something else and. [00:08:00] You can go down into the weeds even further. I've then made the decision that if people don't apologize, that if people don't do something to rectify their behavior, then they don't need to be in my life. And that is a choice that also has consequences, which are both good and bad, right?

[00:08:17] But you can see how understanding your strengths and your weaknesses really fully and in depth. It can really be a great exercise to also know thyself. Okay. The second thing that you can do is know how people perceive you. Like what people think of you versus what the truth is. Now, this is a little bit different than like caring what people think of you.

[00:08:48] That's a very different thing. Like I don't care what people think of me, but understanding how I come across to people versus what the truth is, is very [00:09:00] important. And I'll tell you where I understood this. This was actually a recent thing, like within the last like 15, 20 years. I guess that's not that recent device within the past like 15 years.

[00:09:12] It's because it was in the acting world that I understood that there's a different perception of, what people think of me versus the actual truth of who I am. And it happened because I met with, an agent. It was one of my first, times meeting with an agent and talking to them about the possibilities of them sending me out on auditions.

[00:09:34] And they said something to me that totally threw me, which is, you know, all about my ego. But they said, so you are like the girl next door. You're like the teacher, you're the mother, you're the nurturing type. You are the, and I was like, I'm the mother. I'm, I'm the teacher. I'm the girl next door. What I was, I was like, no.

[00:09:57] Because in my head, when I was growing [00:10:00] up. Um, I loved this movie Flash Dance for so many reasons, but you can guess. But one of the things that bothered me was that Jennifer Beal's, the lead actress, who people would always say I looked alike. Whatever. Um, but, uh, I, I just, I have hate for her. That is not fair at all.

[00:10:18] It has nothing to do with her. But she did not dance those parts. Uh, the woman that danced those parts was named, oh my god. What was her name? I have it written down. Oh yeah. Maureen Jahan, I think that's how you say her name. But she did all the dancing. There were some other dancers in there as well, and they just showed Jennifer Beal's face, and I remember being like, if I had gotten that part, I would've done all of it.

[00:10:43] I would've done all the dancing. I would've done all of it. Now, mind you, I am much younger. I wouldn't say much younger, but I am younger. Okay. I digress. My point is going back to, sorry, going back to the agent is the. Agent had a perception and a valid [00:11:00] idea of what I could do as work, and I had a different concept of who I could be in Hollywood.

[00:11:07] Now, this has nothing to do with Hollywood. This is when I learned that. People have a perception of who they think I am versus what the actual truth is. So again, I'm gonna use myself as an example here, people seem to think that I'm extremely strong and that I'm very decisive. And, that I'm unshakeable.

[00:11:30] Someone said that to me like I'm unshakeable, like nothing throws me or whatever. That's the perception, right, that I come across that way. What people don't understand is that the reason why I seem to be really strong is that I do everything I can so that chaos is not a part of my life. I do all the work I have to do so that I can control as much as possible that happens in my life.

[00:11:59] And again, you [00:12:00] can go back to understanding the childhood as to why I may have developed into somebody who has to make sure they do everything in their power to control the situation that they're in. So I'm never going to be in a situation. That I don't already know what may or may not happen. I understand the consequences of every choice I make, whether it's good or bad.

[00:12:26] And when I do that, I feel in control. And then what happens is, is you see someone who is strong and solid, that's what you see. But what you don't see is all the work that went into being that person. And where does that come from? It comes from a place of someone who grew up. Not having a solid foundation, not always knowing where they were going to go or sleep or eat or Right, or, or who loved them.

[00:12:57] I mean, I hate to be, so I'm [00:13:00] just giving you information like as a child, that was the questions that were going in my head. You know, am I good enough? Am I whatever? And so you can see how that creeps up into all the stuff I do so that I have. Little fear no matter what platform I'm standing on. Okay.

[00:13:20] 'cause I've done all the work, but the perception is, oh, she's so strong. You know, I'm also extremely organized. I like to be. That makes sense, right? I'm extremely organized because I don't like chaos. I don't like, again, it's about control. Now, this is coming across as this, like I'm some control freak in my life.

[00:13:40] I am, but I don't put that on other people. But going back to this idea, when you understand that people perceive you a certain way and then you know what the actual truth is. It all makes sense and you have much more understanding of how you [00:14:00] function in the world, and that's why that's important. And for people who don't actually know you and people who you don't actually invite fully into your life, I'm okay with them believing whatever it is they need to believe because that's more about them.

[00:14:17] And not about the truth by the way. When you do this work, you start to see that other people are the same way. I may have a certain perception of who you are, but the truth may be absolutely very different. And that's the other thing you learn by going through this process. I think another important way to understand.

[00:14:39] The actual way in which people perceive you versus what the truth is, is to think about an iceberg, right? The iceberg is what you see at the top, right at sea level. at the top of the water. We see the entire iceberg, but when you look below, there's [00:15:00] an entire mountain underneath. So what we perceive is the beautiful top right of this iceberg, but we fail to see what is underneath that is rooting and holding it and the foundation.

[00:15:17] So. That's what I'm trying to say. There's the perception of what people believe about you, and then there's the actual truth of who you are that is underneath the surface. And when you can understand that, when you can understand that about yourself completely, you can also understand that about other people, and then you can make different choices, not just for yourself, but for the people that you allow into your life.

[00:15:48] Okay, so this one is a little bit harder to understand. It took me a long time to figure it out, so I'm gonna use a few examples, but understanding that your [00:16:00] story is different from your patterns. Okay? So you need to know what your patterns are in life, not your stories. Let me give you an easy one. The story is, I'm bad at math, right?

[00:16:20] But the pattern is actually that I am someone who focuses on language. I am actually somebody who enjoys the nuance of logic. I prioritize the ability to. Have conversations with people as opposed to figuring out mathematical jargon. Okay. And no offense to all the mathematicians out there, but I like nuance and I like clarity and communication.

[00:16:56] So my brain prioritizes that. That is [00:17:00] a pattern, like if we look at the pattern, but the story is, I'm so bad at math. Right. Does that make sense? Let me use another one from my example. So the story of my childhood is I grew up without a mom and dad, right? That's, that's the story. But the pattern is very different.

[00:17:25] The pattern is that I don't use my story to play victim. I don't use my story to. Be centered in everything. I don't. I use my story. This is also part of the pattern to try to uplift other people. I don't use my story so you can feel sorry for me. I use my story so I can relate to you so that you can relate to me so that you can see where I used to be and where I am today.

[00:17:59] [00:18:00] So the pattern is that I use that story so that it becomes something to help other people, right? When you understand what your story is. Then you can start to see how do I use my story in order to move forward in the moment that I am right now? What is it that I'm doing and why do I do it? So it's really interesting, right?

[00:18:30] If you are someone who is continuously using your story to excuse your behavior. So let's pretend for a moment that you're a, a, a. Drug addict. And this is not to, uh, play with this, this is to just give an example, okay? Because drug addiction is real and it's heart wrenching, and this is some of the work that some people have to do in order to walk through this part of their lives.

[00:18:57] So I'm not making light of this, I'm just using [00:19:00] it as an example, but you can use anything. You can use alcohol addiction, you can use, and I'm not saying all of this is about this, it's just an example. But let's say your reasoning for why you are addicted to whatever drug that you're addicted to is because you had a bad childhood.

[00:19:19] The story is one part of it. The pattern is that you using that as an excuse for your behavior today. Okay, so you want to understand that those are two very different things. Understanding your pattern and what you do and why you do it will help you not just walk through whatever situation you're in right now, but it'll also help you understand that your patterns dictate more about who you are in the world today than any story you have in your past.

[00:19:56] And I know that that sounds. Might sound a [00:20:00] little confusing. I know for me it did, but it's something that I continue to work on on a regular basis because our patterns tell us a lot about who we are. We can also just talk about, you know, something as simple as, and it's not simple, but dieting for example, like.

[00:20:17] The story is, I'm so fat, or I'm not happy with my weight. But the pattern is what do you go exercise every day? Do you, you know, are, are you trying not to eat chocolate cake every single day? Like, that's, that's my thing for those of you who don't know, but I love chocolate cake. But, um, but what is the pattern?

[00:20:40] What is the pattern? The story is over here, but the pattern is something that you continue to do, and that pattern dictates what is happening right now in this moment. Not the story, not the story that you keep telling yourself. Right? Um, and so it, it, it, it becomes really [00:21:00] disheartening, right? It becomes really, um, interesting.

[00:21:03] Like, when I think about the weight thing, like I've gained about 30 pounds since I've had, uh, surgery. See, the story is I had surgery and so I gained weight. Right? But what am I doing now? What is the pattern? Is the pattern that I'm gonna keep playing the victim to, uh, a surgery that I had? No, that doesn't mean there isn't factual information in all of our stories, but is that.

[00:21:29] Being used as an excuse for my behavior of eating chocolate cake or am I able to see the pattern, change the pattern, and find a new way to change the actual story. See what I'm saying? So it's a, it's, it's a harder one to get, but once you get it and you start to understand your patterns, again, it's one of the most interesting things because then you start to understand other people's patterns and that ends up helping you not.

[00:21:58] Deal with people's BS [00:22:00] because you can see it so easily, but you gotta know your own story and pattern first. You gotta really understand yourself well enough in order to start seeing all of this stuff in other people. So. So here's the bottom line. When you start to work on yourself and you start to understand some of the basics, like what your strengths and weaknesses are, how other people perceive you, and what the truth actually is, when you know what your stories are.

[00:22:33] Versus what your patterns are. You can start to then understand the dynamics in other people as well, just as an observer. But you start also the process of loving thyself because you start to know and understand who you are. You start to understand places where you can tweak and you can fix, and you can accept, [00:23:00] and you can enjoy, and you can stand on business because you know who you are.

[00:23:06] For real. You are no longer lying to yourself and behaving differently than what you want to behave as, right? You're now making choices of how you behave because you understand who you are so brilliantly, and what ends up happening, which is what I love the most out of this, is not just that you start to know who you are, but the loving yourself takes care of itself.

[00:23:37] It doesn't become something you have to work at. It becomes a byproduct of who you are in the world. And that can be really intimidating to other people. Like you can hear someone say that they love themselves, um, and you can tell that sometimes they're projecting that it's kind of fake, but when you actually love [00:24:00] yourself.

[00:24:00] You stand up for yourself, you're proud of yourself. You come across as being confident and Sure. And okay. And even though some of those things are people perceiving certain things without realizing how much work there is, or like I am not strong without ever feeling like. You know, I am weak or hurting or whatever, right?

[00:24:25] Like there is that part of it too. But then you can also become vulnerable when you need to. You can ask people for help. You can say, you know what? I'm not doing okay. Because that fear isn't there anymore. You understand how you're perceived. So if you need help, you know, you have to ask for it. You have to let people know.

[00:24:46] So. Look it, this is something that I'm working on. Um, at some point I'm going to finish this book. I don't know when, but this is at least three of those parts of knowing thyself. And [00:25:00] the reason why I share this is because I feel like so many people would really benefit from loving themselves more because when you fully love yourself in the way that I do.

[00:25:13] You really start to enjoy other people and you really start to love other people in really dynamic and beautiful ways because you see them, you can really see them, and you can understand them in a different way because you realize the work that maybe they have already done and the work that you are still doing.

[00:25:36] So. I hope that helps and um, I appreciate people listening and I would love to hear your thoughts on any of this. So please reach out, we'd love to hear from you. And,remember at the end of the day, it really is all about the joy. Bye everyone. Thanks for stopping by all about the joy. Be better and stay [00:26:00] beautiful folks.

[00:26:00] Have a sweet day.