What I Learned When I Finally Understood My Brain: Living With Aphantasia

In this episode of the Carmen Talk: Know Thyself series, I share something I’ve never talked about publicly: I have aphantasia — a cognitive variation where the mind doesn’t create visual images. I discovered this in 2016, and it completely changed how I understand myself, my learning style, my memory, and the way I move through the world. 

I get into what aphantasia actually is, how it shows up in everyday life, why meditation and visualization never worked for me, and how understanding this difference helped me stop blaming myself for things I simply process differently. I also walk through the pros, the challenges, and the surprising strengths that come with having a non‑visual mind.

This episode is ultimately about self‑knowledge — learning how your brain works, honoring your wiring, and seeing your differences as part of your design, not a flaw. When you understand yourself clearly, life gets easier, boundaries get cleaner, and everything makes more sense.

At the end of the day, it really is all about the joy.

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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth


DISCLAIMER:  As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast.  Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance. 

Transcript

Carmen Lezeth, Host

[00:18:00] Hi everyone. So today what I wanna talk about is something that I have never shared with anyone else. I've only spoken to one person who is a professional. We'll leave it at that. And, I never shared it with anyone because it hasn't come up as a part of the conversation and. I don't share everything with everyone I guess, but today I clearly am going to do that.

[00:18:29] So, let me just emphasize a few things before I share that. Important piece of my life. I have been doing this series called Know Thyself, and the first episode was about knowing yourself as opposed to always saying that you love yourself and understanding. That knowing yourself is about understanding your patterns.

[00:18:54] The second episode I did was about being careful of all the gurus and life coaches out there, and no offense to all of them, but there are no five easy steps to anything. Nothing is easy until you've accomplished it and. Know it so well that, it's second nature to you, but in the process of trying to quote, unquote, fix your life or, you know, change things in your life.

[00:19:23] There is not gonna be anyone who's going to give you the five easy steps to get there, I promise you.but in this episode, I wanna explain what I learned about myself back in 2016. That completely changed my life because I am continuously trying to go down that rabbit hole of all things, Carmen, to continue learning and growing and being a better person than I used to be.

[00:19:49] So in 2016, I came across an article that talked about Aphantasia I have Aphantasia, and this is a documented, cognitive. Difference that I have than a lot of other people in the population have. So, lemme explain in simple terms what AIA is. Aphantasia basically is not having visual mental images in the brain like most other people do.

[00:20:28] So. The way in which this came about in a study that was done, a professor, a neurologist from the University of Exeter in 2015 had a patient who had had surgery. And after that surgery, the patient talked about not being able to visualize anymore in the brain. So. I read this article and I was completely thrown by this idea that when you close your eyes, you can see images.

[00:21:01] When I close my eyes and you ask me to visualize an apple, I don't see an apple. I see blackness, complete blackness, maybe shades of blackness, but I see blackness, sometimes gray, but. Always blackness. There are, as far as they can tell, one to 4% of the population who has aia. And I just wanna be clear, AIA is not a disease, aphantasia is not, um, anything that it, it's more like being right-handed versus left-handed.

[00:21:44] It is an isness. And they are still learning everything they can about the brain, but there's just so much more to learn. And so once I understood what a Fantasia was, I started doing a deep dive, trying to learn everything I could. About what that meant for me. And what ended up happening was I started to learn more about how I function in the world in relation to other people.

[00:22:15] And let me give you some really simple, basic things that will probably be like, oh yeah, that totally makes sense. I don't like to do anything that has to do with meditation, because when I'm sitting in a room and people are meditating and they're visualizing. I'm not visualizing, I'm not seeing anything.

[00:22:38] All I am doing is sitting in a room full of other people in blackness, in darkness, listening to someone talk over and over and over again about a beach or a vision or rain or, and I don't see any of those things, okay? So that doesn't mean that I don't have an imagination. I do have an imagination, but it's not with.

[00:23:03] Pictures. It's not with visual cues. It's really with more of feelings and I, I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but it's like feelings and maybe sounds and textures, but it's not visual and I love that. I love that. I understood that. I wish I knew it when I was much younger. It also changes the way in which.

[00:23:31] I learned things. I talked about this too in another episode of Carmen. Talk about my inability to, learn the way in which other people learned 'cause I didn't have the basic skills. Well, on top of that layer is this idea that I don't have visual cues either. So I'll give you an extreme example. I have a friend who basically has a photographic memory, so whenever she.

[00:23:58] Looks at something, she can remember it 10 years later. And I find that fascinating. But, I don't have that ability. I cannot connect a visual. Thing to something 10 years later, it, that's not how my brain works. so when it comes to remembering people, unless it's somebody who has repetitively over and over and over again, been in my life and I can have those sensations of who they were, it's really hard for me to remember actual faces and.

[00:24:35] I tend to remember more the way someone makes me feel than an actual face. And so, so that's an interesting part of it too. I used to get so mad at myself 'cause I was like, why can't I remember everybody's names? Right? Because you would, you would walk into a classroom where you'd walk into a group activity and there are people who could remember everybody's name after the first 10 minutes.

[00:24:58] And I will be in the same class with people for weeks and I won't remember everybody's name. I might remember one person's name just because they stood next to me and I saw them over and over and over again. So something about them, the way in which they feel to me, makes me remember that. Does that make sense?

[00:25:15] Like it's, it's an interesting dynamic. So. When you start to understand who you are and why you are the way you are, it all starts to make sense, the way in which you react or behave or, feel about certain things, you know? So I think it's really important to stress again, that it is not a disability, it's just a difference in cognitive understanding of things.

[00:25:43] another thing that's really important to understand is some of the pros, and this one's really hard to understand, but I, I get it now because I've heard and read so many other people's ideas of how they deal with thinking. I never understood what it meant.

[00:26:03] Like, oh my, you know, your brain is cluttered with so many voices. And I was like, I, I don't have so many voices in my brain. You know what I mean? I don't, I don't have all that. So what happens a lot, and this isn't for everyone, but people with AIA tend to have one less piece of information that they deal with when it comes to information coming into the brain.

[00:26:29] So, for example. Let's just pretend that the brain is like a room and it's filled with filing cabinets. And in those filing cabinets is where we have information that we get when we need to recall something, right? So let's say we have to remember a person that was in our class two weeks ago. I might be able to take the cues of, what they sounded like, 

[00:26:56] what they smelled like, what they were talking about when they were next to me. And so those cues will come to me, but what won't come to me is the shirt they were wearing, their face, the room we were in. Like I won't visually see all of that. I will not. Whereas the person who has the other extreme, 'cause it's a spectrum, right?

[00:27:19] There's Hyper Fantasia is the other extreme. That filing room is gonna be very different than mine. It's gonna have all the same filing cabinets I have, but also have all the visual cues, which is the color of the shirt, what they were wearing. With their voice, what they sounded like, you know, whatever it is.

[00:27:39] But then they'll also have all the visual cues, you know, the, the airing they were wearing, whatever. They'll remember all of that because they'll have the visual cues and the room and blah, blah, blah. And so what ends up happening is. You have much more information that's coming into the brain that you're having to deal with.

[00:27:57] Whereas over here we don't have all that information. Right? I don't have all that information, so I don't have as much noise. Maybe we can call it, I don't know if it's always noise. 'cause in a way I'm jealous. I don't have all that information. That explains why I can't remember people's faces. Like there was an episode on Friday Night Live where Cynthia asked me, I think it was in the show, but maybe it was in the green room.

[00:28:24] But anyway, she asked me, how come I can't remember my mother? And, you know, I told her I just, I don't remember her face and we didn't have that relationship. But the real truth is, I mean, we, we didn't really have that relationship, but, um, but the real truth of it is too, is that I, I would never remember her face because it's not, see what I mean?

[00:28:44] It's not something that I have as a file cabinet. I remember her, I remember what she feels like. I remember what she made me feel like I remember some sounds I remember, you know what I mean? Like, but visually, I can't really. Recall, I have actual photographic pictures of her, so I see that, but I don't have a memory of her and the actual things that we did 

[00:29:12] kind of, I, um, I can't believe I'm talking about this, so it's making me a little nervous. But yeah, when you understand that, you can see what the pros are. So one of the pros is that I don't have all that mental chatter in my head. It's much quieter, and yet I'm also lacking what other people have, which is all the visual cues that you get and the ability to understand things on a whole different layered way.

[00:29:38] I'm grasping in a different way and getting information in a different way than most other people. I think it matters that a lot of people don't even know that AIA is a thing. And I think that's an interesting part of this conversation too.

[00:29:53] it is still a new form of study, but. I know now that there are other people out there that don't have visual cues like I do, and that made me feel better, right? It made me feel stronger. It made me feel normal because what ends up happening is then you do what you have to do in order to, 

[00:30:18] Compensate for not having that ability. And I'll give you another example that happened at work. It happens at work all the time. And one of my clients picked up on it real quick and the other client was just getting so frustrated all the time with me and it's just an interesting dynamic, right? So.

[00:30:39] One of my clients realized right away, not, not that I had aia, but realized right away that you can't call me like out of the blue. Like not when I'm working for you, not when I'm prepared and ask me a question and think I'm going to know it like this right off the cuff, right? Because I'm not, I have to go look for the information, remind myself, and then, but here's the thing about my clients.

[00:31:05] And God loved them. I, I hope they're not watching this. I know one of them does, they also think that our whole lives exist around them. So I wouldn't have known it anyways 'cause I let one thing go in and out the other, because you're my client, not my life. But with that said, this client was really cool and understood.

[00:31:25] At the get go that one of the things she couldn't do was call me off the cuff and not give me time to figure out what the answer is. Because for me, I don't have every single thing memorized about my own life. How am I gonna have everything memorized about your own life? You know? So. I need time in order to look something up.

[00:31:47] If you need a detail. Now, I can give you the overall structure of things, but if you need a detail, I'm not going to remember your checking account number. I'm so sorry. I don't care that I've been working for you for this long. You know, like I don't have that ability to memorize in that way, you know? So.

[00:32:08] The other client would just get so frustrated and I said, stop calling me when I'm not supposed to be working for you and you won't be so frustrated, right? Because when I work for you, I'm prepared for you. I'm ready for you, but you're calling me when I'm working for somebody else, or you're calling me for something that isn't an emergency that I have can stop and go find something for you.

[00:32:28] So what it has done,and here's the thing, both of those clients love them, both of them. I had to set up boundaries and the reason why I understood that I had to set up those boundaries is 'cause I was clear about what I am absolutely capable of. I do not have the ability on the fly to come up with something that you gave me even a week ago because my brain doesn't store visual information in that way.

[00:32:58] So. Yeah, that's another big pro is that you learn what you can and can't do. I don't wanna do things that are meditative in that visual sense. For me, meditating is more about going for a run, right? Or going on my spin bike and spinning to music or writing. Very meditative. For me. What is not meditative for me is sitting in a room full of people.

[00:33:25] Doing yoga or doing meditation and having my eyes closed and trying to visualize the beach, no, that's not gonna work for me because I, I, I can't, I'm just sitting there in blackness.

[00:33:37] There are some other things that they talk about. That are pros to people who have aia, and so I'm just gonna go through those quickly.there's a high emotional presence 

[00:33:48] with people who have aphantasia, and it's because without the visual imagination pulling you.

[00:33:55] Out of the moment, they stay grounded. Right? We stay grounded, we stay attuned. We stay like really responsive and we're here. And I've seen that I've actually seen that. I know for myself that when something like an emergency happens or whatever, I am. Absolutely grounded. And I am the person who usually can handle a situation really easily, even if it's an emergency situation.

[00:34:22] And part of it is because I'm not living in the what ifs, because I don't have the visual cues that are giving me all the future possibilities. And I find that fascinating, right? That explains a lot because most people would think I'm the worst one in an emergency. I don't know. People have different ideas about who I am in the world.

[00:34:44] That's a whole other issue, but, but actually in an emergency, I'm one of the calmest people in the room. And now that explains why. so there's also the idea that people who have. Aphasia to the extent that I have, it also are just better in a crisis and in conflict. it's because we don't catastrophize, right?

[00:35:04] We don't make everything so overwhelmingly hard. and we deal with things, right? We're excellent when it comes to the high pressure rooms. we also have an ability to have clearer communication, and it's because we think in words and we think in concepts and narratives and logic. And logic is a big one for me, right?

[00:35:26] My explanations are always gonna be clear and they're always gonna be accessible to people, and it's because I don't have the visual cues that are coming in and making it much more complex.There's also, this I don't know about with me, but less susceptible to trauma imagery. I don't know how I feel about this, but it's like if you've dealt with a trauma in your life, then.

[00:35:52] You don't replay the images over and over and over again. That part is true because I don't have the images, but the feelings are still there, so I don't know how I feel about it. I think they're talking about, I like I don't rehearse. Look at one of the reasons why I don't watch scary movies, right?

[00:36:12] Everybody who has seen us, and we've talked about horror films, I don't watch them. It's because it's not so much the gore or whatever. It's how it makes me feel. That bothers me. It's really like it, and I will remember it over and over and over again. Like I'm still regretting seeing sinners. I mean, I think it was a great movie and I'm glad I saw it, but I regret it because I can still, I, it's gonna be years before I can let that go.

[00:36:39] I feel it. I don't remember actual parts of the movie, but I remember. Feeling of it, you know? And so I don't know how I feel about this last part that we are less susceptible to trauma imagery. Well, I guess imagery is right. I guess I'm, yeah. All right. Yeah, they're right. They're right about that one.

[00:36:59] So I'm just gonna also now list some of the cons that they say are part of having aphasia and that I've also experienced. So there is a difficulty of recalling faces and places, internally. So I can't always, you know, remember. A place or a person's face. And, I can't really picture things, but I remember what they feel like.

[00:37:25] And, um, I think that's fascinating too. I remember what they feel like and I remember, what it did, but I can't always place the actual. Picture of it. 

[00:37:39] When your eyes are open, you're pulling from what's in front of you, and that's what's giving you an imagery. It's a different part of the brain that's working. So sometimes when I'm thinking back on where I grew up or. I can put together parts of the pieces also because I physically have pictures.

[00:38:00] But if I were to close my eyes and try to remember, it's really hard to see anything. Especially recalling faces. Exactly. Yeah. It's fascinating. I don't know. Um, it's also a con. To have AER because it's really hard to imagine kind of future scenarios, right? So visualizing success, you know, people talk about that all the time.

[00:38:25] Or imagining a future event or like mentally rehearsing for the future or some big speech or whatever. It's really hard to do, when you have aia. and it just doesn't work the same as it does for people who don't have this. it makes Planning for the future. It makes it feel more like a, it's a conceptual thing than experimental.

[00:38:49] It's more like a concept. A concept of the future. You know what I mean? As opposed to, I'm kind of making a joke there if you know, you know, but, um, We've already talked about this, like guided imagery doesn't land at all, right? People guiding me on some visual blah, blah, blah, to help me de-stress actually destresses me out even more.

[00:39:12] I don't visualize anything. Uh, yeah, especially with my eyes closed at all. Reading is also really different because I don't experience it as a movie. Reading is more about plot and dialogue and it's about the meaning and it's about like the character dynamics, but it's not really about, I'm not creating a movie in my head.

[00:39:37] And I think that's what was so interesting was when, I read the Harry Potter books. I use this as a good example. I read all of the Harry Potter books. I was one of those people that was at the bookstore when every book came out. I loved reading it. I read extremely slow, uh, but I loved reading it. And when the movies came out, I was like, I couldn't believe it because what I felt while reading it and what I could imagine.

[00:40:08] Came to me so perfectly on the screen, it felt amazing. It, it felt absolutely amazing. Like, and I never compare the book. To the movie. 'cause those are, those are two different art forms. But what I'm saying is when we're talking about AIA and when we're talking about, um, some of the cons, that's, that's one of the cons is not when you read, you're not actually seeing scenes when you read, which also goes back to how you learn, right?

[00:40:36] It goes back to that. You see how all the connections are being made. It's kind of cool. so. Yeah, that's kind of the gist. I wanted to, share that with everyone. And the reason why is to just keep going back to that idea of knowing thyself, knowing yourself, feeling comfortable in the skin that you're in, and if you go through the process of understanding.

[00:41:03] That you were made perfectly. You were put here on this earth in whatever way, shape, or form you believe that happened. You are here uniquely gifted and normal in every sense of the word, right? You are amazing, and it's like if you can go to it from that presence and start to learn about why you do the things you do, and you do the deep dive, as I said earlier.

[00:41:33] Life just becomes better. You know, when I first read this, I could have thought about it as a very negative thing. Like, oh my God, oh my God. But I didn't, I, 'cause I kept reading. I started to understand like that's why this happened. You wanna be able to look at everything. You learn about who you are in the most positive way possible, which is why it's so important to go to it from a place of such positivity, right?

[00:42:06] Because you were made perfect. You were here. And all you're trying to do is to continue growing and be more enlightened and be more open to the possibilities. And remember that you are part of this entire fabric of who we are in the world. And I just think we get so sucked into all the negativity. We forget how magnificent it all can really be.

[00:42:42] At the end of the day, it really is all about the joy and, um, yeah. So I hope that was helpful. Thank you so much for listening. If you have any questions or you wanna hear more or you wanna learn more, please reach out and I'll be happy to give you some, places you can learn more about it. But, yeah.

[00:43:02] Okay. Thank you, and remember at the end of the day, it really is all about the joy. Bye everyone.