Why Your Expectations Keep Hurting You - Friends

What does friendship actually mean, and why do so many of us end up disappointed by the people in our lives? In this episode, I break down how defining friendship for yourself can change everything - your expectations, your boundaries, and your peace.

From neighbors who test your goodwill to family members who never quite show up, to the friends who walk with you through the hardest moments, we talk about what mutual goodwill really looks like and why “blood” isn’t the same as relationship.

If you’ve ever wondered why certain people keep hurting you - or why some relationships feel effortless—this conversation will help you rethink how you categorize the people in your world and how you show up for yourself first.

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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth


DISCLAIMER:  As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast.  Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance. 

Transcript

[00:00:16] One of the things I am positive I have done that I don't think a lot of other people have done is define what friendship means to me. And I say that because I watch people get so hurt and get so upset because they have certain expectations of people. And I think if you don't understand what it means to be a friend, what the definition of friendship is to you, it kinda can set you up to always be disappointed in people.

[00:00:49] So let me see if I can help with the way in which I look at friendships, and how it helps to have a good definition of friendship so that you can actually put people in certain places. I don't mean you have to be so rigid about it, but when you can categorize people in certain places in your heart, or in your being, you won't be surprised so much when they either let you down or, um, don't live up to some expectation because you would've already understood that

[00:01:24] What is your definition of friendship? My definition of friendship is a relationship based on mutual goodwill between two people. That's kind of the basis of it, right? So if you have a relationship with anyone, it could be at work, it could be at school, it could be your doctor's office, it could be with your dentist, it could be your neighbor, it could be your actual peers that you hang out with.

[00:01:54] All of those are actual relationships, and somewhere in there is a mutual understanding that there will be goodwill between each other, right? There will be this camaraderie of sorts, this, um, we agree to work together, or we agree to hang out together, or we agree to be neighbors to each other. There is a sense of goodwill between two people, and that is the basis of all relationships and friendships.

[00:02:26] And I say that because relationships, the word relationship can mean really anything. But you could also have an acquaintance. An acquaintance isn't necessarily a friend. You may not develop a friendship, right? I'm at the grocery store. I might see somebody in the produce aisle and, you know, I might say hi to them.

[00:02:45] That's would be an acquaintance just because I see them all the time. But we don't have a mutual relationship of any sort, Like my neighbor, we live in the same area, so that's our common goodwill.

[00:02:58] So, you know, I'm gonna make sure that when I'm in the laundry room, 'cause we have a common laundry room thing, I'm going to make sure that I pick up after myself. So we have goodwill amongst each other. That is the basis of all friendships, and I think part of the problem is people don't realize that friendship is that.

[00:03:19] That part of the relationship, that mutual goodwill part, is the friendship part, and that can be between mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, you know, siblings. That can be kind of the basis of how a relationship of friendship begins. The problem is We have different expectations. When you are someone's daughter or, or you are somebody's mother, that friendship, that mutual relationship, that mutual expectation of goodwill between each other can change because there is this kind of lever that happens, right?

[00:04:00] There is the you will always be the mother, or you'll always be the daughter. and at certain times, that changes the kind of authority in it or the, focus of how that relationship works. So the friendship sometimes is going to have highs and lows, and it's going to be level and equal and sometimes not, right?

[00:04:23] If we don't have goodwill between each other, we don't have friendships. I might still have a relationship, and I'll give you an example. I have a neighbor who up until recently, you know, she was my neighbor, and I had goodwill towards her, and at some level, we were friends. I would say good morning to her.

[00:04:44] I would, you know, If she got my mail or if I got her mail, I'd give it to her if she was traveling or something. You know, you, you have this mutual goodwill. You kinda take care of your neighbors, right? Well, a few, I'm gonna say it was, like, a few months ago,I had changed a light bulb over my car in the parking lot.

[00:05:02] And I know before anyone says anything, the landlord doesn't live here, so by the time you call the landlord and ask the landlord to do something, it's gonna be, like, you know, six weeks later. So I just went and bought a, a, an outdoor light bulb, and I put it on my car- underneath my car because mine had gotten dark, had stopped working or whatever.

[00:05:22] Couple days later, I go back out to the, uh, parking lot. This is, this is a small apartment building. It's only 10 people. It's not like one of the huge apartment complexes. But I go out to the parking lot, I'm like, "Ugh, why is the light so dim?" And then I look over, and that n- neighbor that I had, that I had goodwill with had taken my light bulb and put it under her car And I thought, "Well, that's not cool."

[00:05:49] So I called her out on it. I was like, "Hey, why did you take the light bulb?" She's like, "Oh, it wasn't me, it was a homeless person." What the fuck is wrong with you? I had bought light bulbs, I had bought enough light bulbs to change all the light bulbs. The only reason why I had only changed mine was 'cause it was that night that I got out of the car, and it was dark, and so I had only changed mine.

[00:06:12] But I was going to change them all. It's not my job, by the way, at all. But the fact that that neighbor lied to me and tried to blame it on homeless people, I, I just, I'm done. Right? I don't have any respect for her. I don't have any, I don't have any mutual goodwill with her anymore, and I don't talk to her anymore, and she knows it.

[00:06:35] I'm done. Like, if you're gonna lie about something that stupid and blame the homeless people, I'm, I'm really done with you. And, and you don't steal things from people, right? It's not, it's not what we do as adults, but that's a whole other conversation. But here's the thing, I still have a relationship with her because she is my neighbor, but now she's an acquaintance.

[00:06:54] She cannot ask me for anything. I am not gonna help her with anything. She knows it, you know? Um, I have cut her off. but we still have a relationship, but that's an acquaintance. That's just an example of why I think it's important to understand what the baseline is of friendship. And again, this is the way that I do things.

[00:07:14] I'm only sharing it because I see sometimes that people get hurt, and I think it's because sometimes we don't think things through. You see this all the time in families. I know that there is this idea that blood is thicker than water and family first, and I, I love all that. I think that's beautiful and wonderful But if you do not come up with an idea of what that relationship actually is and whether or not you understand what that friendship is, you're always going to be disappointed because you keep wanting somebody to be something that maybe they're not.

[00:07:58] Let me give you another example 'cause I think it'll be easier. I had this wonderful friend who has since passed away. His name is Richard, and, uh, he was one of my best friends. And he was just this remarkable, funny, uh, really... Like, he walked into a room, and everybody noticed him. There was no way you wouldn't notice him.

[00:08:22] He wasn't... I mean, he was also tall, and he was really, really dark-skinned. He had that beautiful black, chocolatey color skin and, um, but he could also sing, and he was extremely sarcastic, witty, funny. But he was one of these people that no matter where he went, if you were walking with him, if you were trying to get somewhere that normally would take 10 minutes, if you're walking with him across campus, ' cause that's where I met him, I was in college, um, it would take you 35 minutes to get someplace that would usually take five or 10 minutes because he would stop along the way, and everybody would stop him and wanna talk to him.

[00:08:57] It was just that kind of thing. I remember one time he was in Japan, and, he had called me, and he was like, "You won't believe this. I was at the airport yesterday, and I was just getting my bags, and somebody called out my name. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't seen him in, like, three years." And then it was this really funny thing that no matter where Richard went, he always could find a friend.

[00:09:24] He always had people who wanted to talk to him, and he called them all his friends. Everybody was his friend. And then when Richard needed friends, you know when you have a moment in your life where you realize you're in trouble, whether it's, uh, financial or medical or, or m- maybe you got fired or maybe, maybe you're being accused of something, whatever it is.

[00:09:52] All of a sudden, when he needed help, all of these people, thousands of people that he knew, none of those people showed up. A few, a few people showed up. A few people were there for him. And even though the issue that he was dealing with was really difficult, it was nothing compared to his understanding of what all these people actually thought of him.

[00:10:27] They didn't care about him at all. They weren't really his friend at all I think looking at things now with the rear view mirror, I mean, I always knew that, you know, Richard, Richard has the problem that a lot of people have, especially people that I've worked with, especially 'cause I love actors, so actors really get confused by this.

[00:10:51] people loving you and thinking you're great and thinking you're wonderful and they don't really even know you, that's a really wonderful, fantastic feeling, but that is not friendship. That is not the same thing. That is not a mutual, right? That is not a mutual relationship, right? based on goodwill.

[00:11:12] That's an audience or people seeing you as something and making an idea of who you are. They don't really know you. They just think they know you. They like you because you walk in the room and they think you're great and they think you're amazing. And that's what was happening with my friend Richard.

[00:11:33] Like, so many people thought he was awesome and great, but it's because they had put their own stuffage onto him. It wasn't because they actually knew him. And unfortunately for Richard, what ended up hurting him so much was realizing that most of those people were not actually his friends. The people that he thought were his friends were actually not his friends.

[00:11:57] Because when push came to shove, most of those people were not there for him at all. Those of us that were his real friends, we were there for him and we walked him through. So don't, you know, I don't want you to get it twisted. But what I'm trying to get at here is when you do not understand the power of relationships, when you don't understand or have any definition of what friendship is, you will inevitably be hurt by it.

[00:12:24] You know? This happens in families all the time. I see this mostly with a lot of my friends. Um, and I... Listen, I have my own idea of what family is, and it's very different from most people. Uh, but I, I don't believe in DNA. I don't care if you're blood related to me or not. If we don't have a history, if we don't have a relationship based on a mutual agreement of, you know, goodwill, if we do not have something there that makes us bonded in some way, shape, or form, DNA don't mean jack to me.

[00:13:02] Neither does blood. And I, you know, I, I always give people this example 'cause I think it's important If you found out that your sister or your brother were actually not your sister or brother because they were switched at birth or something, and then you found out through DNA that they, um, are actually not related to you or your mother or your father, would that person be less your brother or sister than they were 10 minutes before you found out?

[00:13:30] Right? It, and it's a, it's an interesting thing to think about. But when you think about it that way, when you are able to understand that relationships define who we are more than blood and DNA, it kinda makes sense. Now, I'm not saying blood and DNA don't matter that much. In my life they don't matter at all.

[00:13:53] But when it comes to what a friend is, a friend is something that you have to work on to get to these next levels. Now, I'm not gonna confuse people and say that there are all these different levels, but, you know, we say like, "Oh, she's my best friend." that's a different level. What does that mean for you?

[00:14:13] What does that mean? You know, people say d- uh, "I'm your do or die," or, "I'm your whatever." And, uh, but what does that mean really? Some of that is just verbiage. Oh, ride or die. I think it's ride or die. I'm like, "Do or die?" That's, that's ... 'Cause I don't, I don't really know. I don't use that terminology so much.

[00:14:32] But I think that when you understand the terminology of friendships and you take it really seriously yourself, it helps you not get so disappointed. So let's use an example of a family friendship situation. If you have a sister that continuously disappoints you over and over and over again since you were kids, that's a you problem I, I said what I said.

[00:15:03] You cannot change other people. This is, this might be a whole other Carmen talk, but this idea that you think someone is going to change their behavior, and you've known them their entire lives, and they've been exactly the same person, that's a you problem. That's you not understanding what your relationship is with that person.

[00:15:27] What is your mutual goodwill? What is it between the two of you that you have decided that puts you on equal standing? What is it? If it's just DNA, then that's gonna continue to disappoint you. Because relationships have to be built on more than that when they're that deep, right? Uh, I say this because my neighbors, I, I will help them or whatever, but I'm not gonna give them a kidney.

[00:15:55] I mean, I'm not gonna give them a kidney, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know, I, maybe I w- I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Maybe I would. I have no idea. But you see what I'm saying, there's a different thing, right? Like, I got into this whole situation with my hip, and I had to have surgery, and it was a really, um, psychological thing for me.

[00:16:14] I wasn't expecting my neighbors to help me at all. I called one of my best friends to come and help me. You see what I'm saying? There's a different level there. I'm not gonna ask my neighbors to help me with something that intimate and that important and that personal to my life. They're just my neighbors.

[00:16:32] We have a different level of a relationship than I do with my best friend who came and stayed with me for two weeks and helped me get back up and on point after my surgery. You see? There's a difference there. I think one of the questions you could ask yourself is What is your definition of friendship?

[00:16:58] Who is your friend? How many friends do you think you need? By the way, you don't need that many friends. I don't know why people think you need to have 17 friends in order to feel whole. You, you don't. If you are your own friend, if you are your own best friend, that's the most important thing, seriously.

[00:17:18] If you can be honest with yourself, if you can question yourself, if you can do things to make yourself a better person, that's the most important friend you got, is you. And once you can deal with that, if you really like yourself, then you can turn around and be like, "Okay, who are my friends? Let me think about my family first.

[00:17:39] What is my relationship level with my friends that are my family?" Right? My family that are my friends. You can do it either way. and then you can start thinking about, like, your other friends. You had childhood friends. Like, I have childhood friends that I haven't talked to in years. They're on my Facebook page, but I, I s- I...

[00:17:57] When we were, back then, we were the thing. You know? We were it. Those memories and those are, are precious to me. And I, I can pick up a phone call from Al a- and, and it's like we didn't stop talking, you know, even though I haven't talked to him in a couple years. Well, I think I texted him the other day, but that's not the same thing.

[00:18:16] I'm saying, like, if you pick up the phone with one of your old school friends, sometimes it's like you just, it, it, like, time hasn't even passed, and it's incredible. I love when that happens. Those kind of friends too are so special and very different than the friends you have right now. What are your childhood friendships like?

[00:18:35] What are your family friendships like? What are your work relationship friends like? What do those things mean to you? And here's why it all matters. It matters because when you can start putting people in a certain kind of category, then you don't have the same expectations of them than you do other people.

[00:18:52] Like I said earlier, I don't have the same expectations of my neighbors as I do of some of my friends, right? Especially when it comes to something like having surgery, right? Or, like, if you lose your job, or if you, you know, get a bonus. I'm not gonna go talk to my neighbors about it, but I sure as hell would pick up the phone and call one of my best friends, right?

[00:19:11] ' Cause they, they will be happy for me. they will just be in joy about it. Whereas, you know, the one who stole the light bulb, I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, I don't trust her, you know? So, um, but yeah. Think about what friendship means to you. Give yourself a baseline definition of that and then grow upon that, right?

[00:19:37] Don't get caught in the situation where you're constantly disappointed in people. You cannot change other people, but you can change the way in which you react to other people and feel about other people. And sometimes it helps when you do a little bit of defining of what the world around you is like As always, thank you for hanging out.

[00:20:01] I appreciate you. Please remember to like, share, and subscribe, and we'll see you again next time. Bye everyone