What Women Want (And What Men Are Missing) | Carmen Talk

Following up on the conversation started in Why Men Are Stuck, Carmen responds to viewer feedback and dives deeper into modern dating culture, relationship expectations, and finding fulfillment outside the traditional mold.

In this episode, Carmen breaks down:

• The "Successful Relationship" Myth: Why trying to define a perfect relationship based on fiction or outside opinions holds people back.
• Modern Expectations & Unconscious Bias: The subtle imbalances in how men and women navigate emotional labor and household roles today.
• The "Cheesecake Factory" Effect of Dating Apps: Why swipe culture and endless visual options lead to burnout and superficial matches—and why taking things slow is making a comeback.
• Reframing Singleness & Gratitude: Why finding joy, serving others, and building strong community connections matters far more than just searching for "The One."

Whether you’re single, dating, or navigating a long-term relationship, this conversation offers a warm, candid, and grounded perspective on connection, personal growth, and staying true to yourself.

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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth


DISCLAIMER:  As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast.  Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance. 

Transcript

[00:00:11] Hi, everyone. Welcome to All About the Joy. I am Carmen Lezeth your host, and this is Carmen Talks I did not think I would be doing a follow-up to the last Carmen Talk, which was named Why Men Are Stuck, and at least that's the thumbnail. Um, so if you haven't seen that, you might wanna see that first before you see this.

So I'm doing a follow-up because I got some feedback, and I thought I would address some of the things that were sent to me. But I wanna preface this by saying, 'cause I think it's really important, I do not claim to be a dating coach. I do not claim to be speaking on behalf of all women um, or men. I do not claim to be a therapist or a doctor or anything like that.

This is just my experience, and the reason why I'm qualifying that is because there are so many [00:01:11] people who are on social media, there are so many people... Like, anybody can have a YouTube channel and say that they're whatever they are, and it gives it more weight than it needs to. This is just my experience, and my experience is as valid as yours.

The difference is, the reason why I feel like I wanna share this, why I'm sharing the things that I'm sharing, is because I really believe in finding joy and positivity in things, right? Hence why I named my YouTube channel and my company All About The Joy. It's really important to me. Like, I, I feel like so many people walk around being so sad and upset and angry and always tense or whatever, and sometimes it's like if you could just have a different perspective, right?

So that's where I'm coming from with all of this. So let's get to it. Let's talk about some of the things that came up. One of the most important things that came up, like, four times [00:02:11] with four different people was what I'm gonna call defining what a good relationship is. All four of these people, I'm pretty positive, I think, are not in any relationship whatsoever.

So here's, here's what I wanna say to you, is if you are not in a successful, wonderful relationship, and if you never have been, meaning that once you broke up it was a good thing, it was mutual, you're still friends with those people or whatever, you grew from it, you learned from it, maybe not talk about what a successful relationship should be.

It's kind of the same thing when women, like, and again, I'm, I'm overgeneralizing. I'm not saying all women. I'm not saying everybody's like this. But we'll watch romantic movies, and then we'll like, "Well, that's how it should be," right? That's how it should be. It should work out that way. And we all know, just like any movie, it- that's just fiction, right?

That's [00:03:11] never exactly... Like, it doesn't end happily ever after, right? It's the after part we really wanna see, right? So stop defining what you think a successful relationship is. Unless you're actually in one. And the reason why I say this is because the most successful relationships that I see in my life are so different from each other, right?

I, I have one friend who, they just continuously fight all the time, but it's like a silly, ridiculous fighting kind of thing, right? They kind of fight and argue over the dumbest things, and they think that's a fight, and I'm like, "Okay, whatever." You know, like... And it's adorable, but that's how they've worked their relationship.

It's just the way that it happens, and it's a healthy thing. Like, and I'm not saying they're screaming, matching, but I'm saying it's just, it's, it's to them, that's what they think arguing is. The rest of us are like, "That, that, that was your fight?" You know what I'm saying? I have other friends, um... Well, they're not really friends, uh, they're [00:04:11] acquaintances 'cause I used to work for them.

But They don't see each other for months at a time. So their relat- 'cause they, they work in different countries, and what ends up happening is that they call each other, they, you know, Zoom or whatever. And, um, it... What's great is when they do get together as a family, 'cause they also have kids, it's just electrifying to see them together, right?

So they... It's because of the nature of their job. So their relationship has worked for over 20 years because, I think, of the distance, you know? A successful relationship, no matter what the relationship is, whether it's friendships or siblings or, you know, w- coworkers or whatever, it, it's gonna be different because we're all unique individuals.

So having a successful romantic relationship, having a successful marriage or whatever it is, whatever that intimacy with that person is that you want, it's going to be different, and it's gonna work out the way that it is. If you keep trying to define [00:05:11] what a successful relationship is supposed to be, and that things are equal, and that things are...

You know what? The e- equal is, is relative, and I say that because maybe equal means something different to your relationship than it does to my friends or my acquaintances who, um, you know, don't see each other on a regular basis, right? So it just, it's, it's going to be very, very different. So do yourself a favor.

That's one of the best things I, I learned is stop defining what you think the perfect relationship is because the perfect relationship is gonna show up in your life the way in which it's supposed to between two unique individuals who kind of figure out how that meshes together, and it's gonna be different from everyone, and it's going to be different for you.

And here's the thing. When you have that successful relationship and you're in it, you're going to be like, "We work on it all the [00:06:11] time." You know what I mean? Like, because that's what they all say. And, um, these are people that I think are relationships that I would actually envy. Like, the reason why my bar is so high is 'cause I'm like, "That's what I want."

I, I want that kind of thing where... You know what I mean? We're, we're, we're at a different space, right? So that's my first piece of advice from k- some of the feedback that I got Okay, the next thing I wanna talk about is the expectations game. I think that's where there's a big imbalance. I think that's where there's a lot of discrepancy between women and men.

Um, I think men have a lot of expectations of women, and I'm sure it's vice versa. I'm sure we have expectations too, but I think they're more on an emotional level. But, you know, again, that's just different experiences. But let me give you an example of kind of what I'm talking about, where there's an imbalance in the way in which women function in the world [00:07:11] and then men function in the world.

There was this Instagram, um, and I couldn't find it on TikTok, so I couldn't download it so that I could share it, but prob- you've probably seen it. But there's this man in his car, and he has his three kids in the back, and he says something like, uh, "My wife is going on vacation, and she left me this long list of, um, all the things I need to do."

And he opens the, um, piece of paper, and there's nothing on it. And he's like, "Yeah, there's nothing on it because I'm a dad. I'm not a babysitter." And it's really well done. And, I mean, the implication there is, as the father, he doesn't need a list of all the things he needs to do to take care of his kids when his wife goes on vacation for a few days or a week with her girlfriends or whatever it is.

But we always hear that, right? I always hear that from my friends, my girlfriends, who are like, "Well, I would go on vacation," or, "I [00:08:11] did go on vacation, but I left him a list of all the things he needs to do, and he still called me," or whatever. And it's, again, I don't think men are doing anything wrong. It's like, if you don't know, you don't know.

But it's kinda that thing. Society has put a lot of this pressure on women to be able to do it all. And before you start with, "Oh, femini-", no, no, no, that's, that's not the conversation we're having here. Yes, we want to be able to do the things we want to do, but on the flip side, men need to be also able to take care of their own children.

You're half of that equation. It is not just a woman's job to take care of kids. You see what I'm saying? So the same thing happens in the relationship, right? Women don't have to be the only ones who understand the emotional aspects of what's happening between two people. Men need to also be able to see that.

And again, you are not [00:09:11] wired to be or do anything at all. You have been told that it's not okay to be emotional as a man. You have been told it's not okay to have feelings or share those feelings, and so therefore you behave as if, you know? But the truth is you can have all of that, too. You can be your manly self or whatever, and also, uh, have the ability to share your emotions or have feelings or take care of your own kids or understand that, you know, the housekeeping isn't just the woman's job, it's also your job, right?

Just like she can also take care of other aspects as well that have always been about men only. Like, again, we talked about this earlier in the earlier video. You know, maybe she makes more money than you do, so she pays a heavier burden of the bills, as it should be, right? If, if she's making more money, then maybe she does pay the mortgage or she does whatever, right?

So [00:10:11] I think part of what's happening, especially when it comes to the dating scene, there are these nuances that women have already kind of figured out and wom- and men, sorry, and men are still trying to understand. Or some of you are just staying in your lane and you refuse to see that the world has changed over here.

Um, or you've noticed that the world has changed for women and you don't care. You, you are going to stay in your lane because this is who you are and, you know, "I'm a man and she's a woman," and, and that's, you know, your prerogative. But that's probably why you're not going to... You're going to remain single.

You know, this video ain't for you. I'm just saying women have changed. Men need to be able to see that and adjust and evolve and change, too, right? There is no reason on the planet that any man who has children should not know how to take care of their own children A, a woman, the mother of the [00:11:11] children, should be able to go away for a day or a weekend.

I mean, I've had friends tell me that they, you know, went out for a spa treatment and right, just for a day, like to get a massage and just have, like, a little me time, you know? And, you know, their husbands called them two or three times, you know? And that's no it's no disrespect, um, but it is kind of interesting, you know?

If, if, if there is really equality in relationships, then men would be able to easily... And I know a lot do. By the way, I know a lot of men who do, right? Like the guy in that video. I wish I could pull that up 'cause it's a really good- he did a really good, uh, recording of that. It was also kind of funny, uh, because it's like, duh, yes.

Yes, men do not need a whole list of how to do things. They are quite capable, right? So it's, it's kind of that interesting dynamic to keep understanding that the expectations of what we have for each other are probably unrealistic. I talked about earlier a little bit about [00:12:11] women, you know, we're watching these romantic movies and, and, and we want to be swept off our feet and, and all of this stuffage, right?

And then there's the other part of it where men are not even paying attention to the fact that things have changed, and that everything isn't exactly the way you think it is. Women have evolved and have moved on, and they might be the breadwinner. They might be the person who pays for dinner. They might be the person who, um, doesn't wanna take care of a man in that way.

They want you to be able to take care of yourself, you know? I think another major problem, uh, are dating apps. I think everyone can agree that dating apps are problematic. And, uh, I'm no different. I used what used to be called Yahoo! Personals. I don't know, I don't even think it exists anymore, but this was way back in the day before anybody was doing it, and it wasn't cool to be on dating apps.

People would lie about how they met and stuff. And I [00:13:11] remember, um, I met two men on Yahoo! Personals. I'm still friends with them today. I could call them up right now. It'd be no problem. You know, we're, we're, we're decent enough friends. Uh, but the first guy I met on there, a- we talked for, like, three months before I went and saw him, and he was in another state.

But we spoke for, like, three... There was a, there was a level of, I don't wanna use the word courting, 'cause it sounds so old-fashioned, but I guess that's what it is. But there was... We, we got to know each other. Now, you have to remember, this is also before webcams, 'cause webcams were just coming out, because he had gotten one and I hadn't had one yet, and I didn't even know what he was talking about.

So clearly I'm aging myself. But, um, this is in the 2000s, right? In the beginning. Oh my God, it- I'm so old now. But I think back then I could already see the problems with dating apps, and one of them was this. When I met him, and you know, at this point we had seen pictures of each other, we'd talked on the phone, we'd, we'd done it all, right?

So I remember flying, uh, into the [00:14:11] airport, and he met me at the airport, and it was the first time I saw him face to face, and I realized, like, I mean, he's gorgeous, beautiful man, but his pictures did not do him justice. Because what happens on dating apps, just you, you all already know this, is you, you put what you think is your best pictures and the best parts about you, whatever.

But the best things about you are things you can't really quantify. And, like, he had this cute little quirky smile. Like, it was a little crooked and, and like, I think he doesn't like it, so his pictures are always, like, this perfect smile, which is kinda cheesy or whatever. And I'm using this as an example because I'll never forget it.

Like, I'll never forget that... I mean, he looked like his pictures, and he looked like who I thought he was. It wasn't like I was confused or anything. But what I'm saying is, is the problem with doing an app is- What you think is the best parts about you is not the parts that people might be most attracted to.

You see what I'm [00:15:11] saying? Like, people might like something about you that they can't grasp in a picture on a dating app. And so what ends up happening is not only do you get disappointed or you don't see the real person or whatever, it's like you're almost unable to give yourself a break when you do meet someone because it's been so exhaustive, right?

Of the process of reading all the best parts, reading all the things about each other or whatever. It's... It doesn't feel real. So Let's talk about this in another way, 'cause I think I'm going off on a tangent here. But if you know the restaurant The Cheesecake Factory, uh, for those of you who don't know, it's a chain restaurant.

Um, it's pretty cool, but they're known for their cheesecake. But when you go into this restaurant, as many of you know, the menu is like 30 pages long, and they have every kind of [00:16:11] food. You can get hamburgers or pasta. You can get, you know, Korean food. You can get... I don't know if it's Korean food, but you can get everything is what I'm saying.

There is not a, a, a thing in there that you could not... You know, they've-- I know they have Greek salads and whatever. They're all over the place, and it's, it's good food. It's decent food. That's not the point. The point is, is it's too much information, so that's the other part. There's too much to choose from.

So what happens with dating apps, you're doing all this swiping and swiping and swiping based on pictures, but it's not the essence of somebody. It's not the best parts of somebody. And when you have that much stimulation, so much visual stimulation, you get bored. You get, you get skewed, and then on top of it, you're only getting what the person thinks is their best parts about them.

So why am I bringing this up? I'm bringing this up because there's an exhaustion to doing the dating app thing that you guys are not even realizing is happening, and it's changed from when I did use it. I don't use them [00:17:11] anymore. I've s- I stopped using them years ago. But I feel like part of what's happening too is when you use a dating app to meet people, not only is it this kind of quick thing that you're-- you want to be satisfied as quickly as possible and meet the perfect person as fast as possible because you saw a picture and that's the father of your children.

You know what I mean? Like, not only is that the problem, it's just too much information, and it's not the right information. So I really feel like one of the things you could do is stop using dating apps. Stop using them. Or if you're going to use them, m- put it in your profile that you are interested in...

Don't use the word courting, 'cause that sounds really old. But you would like to get to know someone first before you take that leap and even go out for a coffee or whatever. I don't know. Look at the kids do something different nowadays. But What I'm saying is there's a process, and we've gotten [00:18:11] too fast about it.

We've, we want everything so quick. Everything is instantaneous, right? And I know you can go check somebody's Instagram, you can go check somebody's YouTube, you can find out all this stuff about them, and yet I'm still gonna say when you meet somebody face to face and you get a, a, a, a moment to actually talk to them and experience something with them, like if you're hiking or you're, you know, at the grocery store having a conversation about whatever, uh, um, you know, like that, it changes the dynamic, you know?

So I'm just saying if you're gonna use dating apps, remember there's an exhaustion there, and a lot of women, uh, uh, so I'm a little, I'm older, right? I've told people I'm in my 50s, so it's a little bit different. We, we, we tired you know? Like, not, not because of men and women, but because you get in your 50s, you're like, "I'm done with this BS," you know?

Um, but I still hear from my friends who are younger who are really done with the whole dating app thing because people don't look like their pictures. That's what I'm [00:19:11] kinda saying. And I'm not talking about people lying, just you can't capture it. Um, people saying that people are lying on their profiles.

I'm like, well, I don't think anyone's lying in their profiles. I'm thinking people are trying to put their best foot forward, right? Maybe go back to a thing where it's more about meeting people, getting to know people, and taking your time. All relationships take time. The dating app thing is just another way to access the possibility to meet someone that you might have an interest in if you take the time to get to know them.

And it may seem like a long time, three months, but it's, it's not. And I'm not saying you have to do three months, that's just how it happens. You know, that's just how it happened for me. And, you know, those two specific men are still friends of mine to this day. One of them is happily married, the other one's still single, but you know, we're good friends.

It's kind of like you, are you going into this to, to just meet the one and marry them? Okay, I know everybody wants that, I guess. [00:20:11] But the worst case scenario could be you make a friend or you meet a new person, and if that friend is someone that you can actually have an actual relationship with, then that's the goal.

So go into it wanting to make a friend first. That's all I'm saying. Just try that. Try that And I'll end with this inquiry 'cause I thought it was so funny. Um, someone sent me an email and asked me what do I want in a man? And they, they were not being mean. It, it was a woman asking me, and, uh, I thought it was a great question.

You know what? I've given up on having any real criteria, uh, because what I realize is, again, is if I go in with expectations or if I go in with standards or, um, you know, like, well, if he doesn't do this, this, and this, and this, then whatever, um, I'm gonna be disappointed. I'm not looking because I think in the sense of [00:21:11] looking, you...

I've been disappointed, so I'm not looking anymore. I'm just existing and doing my thing, and I'm not as obsessed with finding someone. I, I don't think I ever really was. I, I guess I was. See? I'm lying right there. I think I'm lying right there I, y- you know what it is? I think at some point I realized my mom, um, wasn't married when she died.

She wasn't, uh, with anyone when she died, right? She wasn't in a relationship when she died. And I was like, you know what? If my mom, who I think was, you know, 50 times a better woman than I will ever be, uh, and far more beautiful than I could ever imagine, like when I look at pictures of her when she was younger, I'm like, oh my God.

And, um, and I've heard stories of how exquisitely gorgeous she was when she would go to the club. And I mean, it's just like I've learned so much about my mom through other people. Um, I [00:22:11] think to myself, well, you know, I mean, why do I think I would be somebody that would be so deserving if my mom, who was this exquisite woman, didn't end up with somebody, a partner for life, you know?

And that's not to say, like, I'm discounting it. I'm just saying you don't have to exist in this universe with an actual partner. Do we all want that? Yes, of course, we do. We're social beings. But I also know that part of my livelihood, part of who I am in the world is not just my connection with one person intimately in a romantic relationship.

It's all my relationships. So how can I become the best person I can be to my friends, to the people who are my family, to the people that I work with, to the people that are on the podcast, to the people that are in the audience? Like, how can I be of [00:23:11] service? How can I be the best person I can be as a writer, as a creative person, as an actor, as a whatever, right?

Like, I am more concerned with being the best person I can be because then all the right people show up. And that's what my mom had, right? When, when I think about, um, you know, and this, like, I don't mean to get all sad. I'm not sad about this, so I don't mean it that way. But one of the visions I have of when my mom died and at the funeral was that this church was packed.

And I just remember how many people she affected. And I thought like That is incredible. So if you lose in love, and I don't know if that's really true, but in that intimate, romantic love that some people get, maybe you win in other ways, right? You don't, you don't have to feel bad about whatever your circumstance is because I think the right people show up when you're being your best self and you're being of service to the world, right?

You're being of service to other [00:24:11] people, and you're doing what you are meant to do. So, you know, would I love to have, uh, you know, a, a relationship with just one man and have that romantic, intimate relationship? Absolutely. Do I need to? No. And that's not about, like, "I'm single. I'm not... " That's not, it's not about that.

It's just my perspective on the world is, um, I'm open to whatever's next. I'm not gonna get mired down on what I don't have, but I am going to look at all the blessings and all the joy and all the things I do have right in front of me. Because to me, that's a better way to exist, and that's a better way to bring all those attractive people into my life.

And in that sense, I'm extremely lucky and extremely happy , you know? I'm not-- I don't feel a loss because I don't have that one romantic relationship, you know? I don't at all. I [00:25:11] feel actually grateful that I didn't settle. I feel... Because I think that's sometimes what people do, especially, you know, younger people.

They want the wedding. Like, especially when people are talking so much about the wedding, and they're not thinking about, you know, the actual relationship. You get-- I get a little scared there , you know? Um, but yeah. What I want is to continue becoming the best person I can be, and if the right person shows up, I'll know it, right?

If the right man shows up, I will know it, and he will too. And, and it's... And, and we'll figure it out, and we'll walk through that. But if that doesn't happen, I'm okay with that too 'cause I got love in my life. I got everything I need in my life. Well, I mean, if you wanna send me money, you can always send me money, but You know, I, I could use $10 million, so you could send that my way.

That would make me real- That's what I'm looking for. No, I'm just kidding. Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for hanging out and for [00:26:11] sharing with me. I appreciate all of you who watched the other, um, video, uh, why men are stuck. And I don't know. I'm actually a little bit thrown by the feedback, so thank you so much for hanging out.

Remember, we do have our Friday night live shows that are Friday night, 6:00 PM Pacific, 9:00 PM Eastern. It's just a regular chill hangout. We don't talk about religion or politics. Um, I'd like more people to come and hang out with us, so you're welcome to come. Uh, but you can also watch it at your leisure, 'cause I know Friday nights, I think everyone just nowadays just goes and lies down, and they're tired from working the week.

And but, yeah, we'd love to have you, so please go check that out. There's also the private lounge. We have great interviews with people in the community who are doing great, great things, so check out the private lounge. And of course, we have Culture and Consequence, which is, you know, it's my show. It's basically me and my best friend, Andrea.

We always, you know, we always talk once a week, and we always scream and yell about politics [00:27:11] and anything else that's going on. And we just decided to film it and share it with everyone. So check that out, Culture and Consequence. That usually drops on Thursday nights at 6:00 PM Pacific, 9:00 PM Eastern. So yeah, thank you again for hanging out.

We appreciate you. And remember, at the end of the day, it really is all about the joy. Bye now. Did I just say bye now? Bye, everyone. Thanks for stopping by All About the Joy. Be better and stay beautiful, folks. Have a sweet day